Incoherent Ramblings..

What’s worth fighting for?

2011-03-30T02:18:00.002+05:30

How faint is the line between good and the greater-good.. ?
Why is it difficult to sustain an 'I' in an onslaught of 'All'..?
Where does reason end and obstinacy begin..?
When is it the time to lay the arms to rest.. When’s the time to pick them up?

Touch down

2011-02-16T22:51:00.003+05:30

He drew the shade down as the flight turned and faced the sun on his side, forcing him to bring his focus back into the cabin..
The screen informed him that he was travelling at a height of 10300 meters… 10 km above the ground.. ‘that’s very high’ he thought. How far would 10 kms take him away from his home back in his town? Probably out of town entirely.. he smiled indulgently as memories of his hometown gushed in.

But all that had to be put behind him now.. he had left home and was now going for his higher studies. It was a proud moment for his family, the first of the family to go abroad to study.. ‘..and that too with 65% scholarship!’.. as his proud dad added each time.

He of course, put forth a brave face, he was an 18 year old boy, of course he couldn’t confide that he was scared. His friends would tease him to death if they came to know that he cried into the pillow one night before leaving. His friends.. wonder when would he see them next.. and how grown up will they all be that time.. then they certainly couldn’t race on their cycles to the nearest stream, will they? He thought of his blue bicycle.. still shiny and seemed new with all his diligent maintenance, too bad it’ll now go to his younger brother.. too bad he couldn’t carry it with him to London.

London.. he felt the bile rise up his throat again..

What did he know about the city except that it was capital of England and that it housed his new university. What people did he know except for a few odd addresses and phone numbers scribbled on the first page of his diary.. Distant relatives and long-forgotten friends of friends that were now based in London.
Leaving all the comforts of home for a degree that he didn’t personally care about much but seemed to impress everyone else around.. Leaving his school of 12 years had been tough enough.. why leave home too so shortly afterwards..

He was getting teary again and he tried to fight the feeling off.. to distract himself he looked around the cabin.. everybody seemed so at ease .. going from one place to another.. back from a vacation and joining back school.. moving between cities as part of the job.. visiting a relative abroad..
everybody but him who was leaving his world behind and plunging into the unknown..
A tear trickled down his cheek and he sensed his neighbour looking at him quizzically.. he averted her gaze and lifted the shade a little to peer outside..

They had been chasing the sun all day.. 8+ hours into the flight and it was still as sunny as it was when he first boarded the flight..
Chasing the sun.. isn’t that what he was doing.. He’ll chase the sun and bask in the glory of sunshine.. and then he’ll bring back that glory to his family.. and then what were 3 years.. they’ll be over in a jiffy.. in chasing the sun..

‘Ladies and Gentlemen.. we’ll shortly arrive at the Heathrow terminal 5 in London.. The temperature outside ..’

He was in London. He looked at the ground below.. was that green patch the Wimbledon?.. He strained his neck to catch a glimpse of Buckingham palace but he couldn’t make it out in the stretch of the city below..
Yes, he was in London. There was no turning back now.
It was just a brand new morning ahead.. a new morning of the new life ahead. There was just so much to do. He was no more afraid.

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Inspired by my co-passenger in the flight last week. Wish you luck kid, wherever you are.

Run of 25 (abridged)

2011-02-10T17:47:00.000+05:30

Surmising my lessons learnt in one helluva year!
Some (or all) may sound cliched.. but these are the ones verified by personal experience. :)

Distance does not mar close friendships.. neither does time. Dial the number, say a hi and pick where you left off.. every time.
Hard as you try or believe, you would make mistakes. Owning up is important.
People change.. for better and worse. You too would have changed.
Comfort-zone is a relative measure.
Clinging is damaging. whether to a person, object or emotion.
'Baat karne se baat banti hai'.. very true. Speaking out helps! A lot!
Dissent is to be welcomed. It's an opportunity for reason.
You will not always be understood, even by those who understand you best.
Its all about choices you make. Be true. To yourself. To everyone else.

Run of 26 has also had a very interesting start.. but more on this later! :)

Thirteen times two

2011-01-21T00:45:00.000+05:30

When I was younger, age was not just a numeral.. it was a a passport to bigger things!

13 : It sounded super when I entered my 'Teens'.. though am sure I didnt quite know what to do with an am-a-teen tag, but Heck! It was Cool!

16 : Sweet-Sixteen is something every girl looks forward to for years.. even if it ends with 'Duh! What was so special?'.. but mostly it'll ring of coy crushes, newfound attention and an odd rose ;)

18 : This is truly a milestone! Signifying voting rights, driving license, end of school, commencing of college... and becoming a bonafide adult!

20 : Ending the terrible teens.. This age meant the end of zits and the beginning of being taken seriously! Also the age of 'Try kar ke dekhen?'

25 : Back in college this age seemed to be a million years ahead.. and it stood for everything under the sun.. ! Everything!
As per my original plans.. By the time I turned 25, I was supposed to be - proficient with guitar... fluent in french... elegant in salsa... maintaining a travel-blog... done with masters... comfortable in a plush job... and looking forward to settling down (whatever it meant).
You see.. Everything!

Now am turning 26.
Cant seem to recollect if I ever thought about being 26.
Cant seem to think of anything spectacular about 26.

And next recognizable number looming ahead is only a 30 in 2015..
And unless the world ends in 2012, I'll be positively, unanimously and irrevocably.. old.. or atleast too.old.to.be.young!

Well for now.. Happy Birthday to me!

(And now that am slipping downhill to old age, next post on lessons learnt post 25. ;) )

New Year! :)

2011-01-17T04:38:00.016+05:30

Few minutes past midnight, amidst blaring music, mingled perfumes, loud cheers, bursting balloons, popping crackers and.. well streaming.. streamers, I stepped off the dance floor.. to take a break and give my new year a thoughtful silent welcome..
I glanced back to see if my friend was concerned but she was unaware of my absence, blissfully enjoying the rhythm.. I smiled at the memory of her words barely a couple of hours ago .. 'I cant dance for my life'.. but new year euphoria tends to cut off inhibitions early.. and there she was, oblivious to everybody.. just like everyone else around..

With the club too crowded to move without stepping into or upon someone, it was impossible to find a quiet place and I slowly worked my out to the entrance to take in a fresh breath. There again the air was thick with smoke with people ringing in the New year with cigars and cigarettes, and I found myself walking up the road to enjoy few solitary moments of a much exaggerated peace after the riot inside.

Without a coat, cold air was fresh and dewy on my skin, perking up my mood instantly.. and best of all, St. Paul cathedral was radiant at a distance, providing the perfect backdrop for new beginnings.. and dated thoughts.

For the past few years, my new year outsets have been typically marred by upsetting situations or anxious anticipations.. and my thoughts / resolutions / efforts have been consumed in the same direction..
This year fortunately, it'd been different and I'd spent the past few days retrospecting in totality.
And standing at the horizon of a brand new year, I sealed the deal.. I'll travel light. It's time to let go of the unneeded. So much to go.

My cell phone buzzed as my absence was noted inside and I turned to walk down road,
And just then long forgotten words from a book surfaced in my mind like a gentle reminder.. Everyone dies but not everyone lives..

Here's to an unencumbered living..!

One of those days

2010-12-23T04:25:00.001+05:30

Like a haunting melody it lingers around,
echoing softly kneading the sound.
It's a floating whisper doing the round
standing lies bewildered and truth dumbfound.

Death lays his icy hand on kings

2010-12-09T21:14:00.002+05:30

On my way to work every day I pass this colossal building by the wharf.
Sparkling glass walls.. Glazed marble flooring.. Gilded rotating doors.. Huge reception lobby.. Leather and Velvet upholstery.. Every inch of the interiors indicate good taste and regal spending. A chamber befitting Royalty.. And it probably did serve the royalty too.. Albeit in form that we have today.

For you see the building is of the erstwhile Lehman Brothers..
In its heyday it must have been a centre of bustling activity. Men of trade and commerce coexisting with research and technology, Visitor list reading of Czars and Tycoons and Diplomats, Conversations carried over in the hallway, Firm handshakes sealing deals..
A place full of life living up to the place it was designed to be.

Today it’s barren.. Even though the property is well maintained, few brown twigs have collected near a door’s edge.. Probably blown in by the winds and never noticed for the entrance wasn’t used.. The door has not met its purpose in quite some time.

In the evenings I often see some smart security officer dressed in business formals by the reception desk.
Standing straight and unmoving, as unobtrusive as the still surroundings..he watches the world pass by. A world, of which Lehman Brothers is no longer a part of.

A mirage

2010-10-27T22:51:00.005+05:30

‘As I celebrate 20 years of existence and enter my youth… Bidding adieu to the careless glory of teenage years...’ Thus begun a diary entry from the year 2005.
What sounded profound and romantic then, sounds banal even lame now.

But that’s what growing up is all about, isn’t it?
The ideas , notions, inferences change as we traverse through time..
Ofcourse for some, it adds the element of surprise in their lives.. But I have never been particularly fond of change.. And it often comes in way, in a pitiless way, of the things that I am actually fond of..
Like plans!

Those who have been around for a while know for a fact that I love to draw up plans!
Even as a kid I made sure I draw (literally draw) a ‘Time-Table’ and tape it next to my ‘Date-sheet’ for exams.
It included all the details.. hours of study split through subjects.. ‘break’ time.. even a designated ‘TV-time’ coordinated with Disney-hour on television.

This was back then.. Now of course my plans are not drawn with colored pens. But I still do love to plan.
I like the idea of arranging through space a timeline.. Spacing out events.. Tracing entities.. Leaving gaps for the unforeseen.
And I like to look back at these later to take pride in how well I am doing through them!
More often than not, I am actually in sync as well.

And yet if one follows it to end, eventually things turn out to be a little different.. or to be honest more-than-a-little different..
The goals that meant the world to me at the time, don’t seem as worthy up close..
There’s already something newer / shinier / slicker on the horizon beckoning me to itself..
The contingency measures that were laid out as interim, sprawl to fill up the whole space..
And though I cross the milestone en route, I am not where I started out to be.

All because I grew-up a little more!

The Nightmare…

2010-08-08T19:05:00.004+05:30

The sun seemed inches away now….
So close that he didn’t feel his skin burning.. it was simply melting away..!
The beads of sweat evaporated before they reached the surface of the skin…
He was thirsty.. gasping for breath.. shivering in heat.. and fighting a losing battle against the unseen enemy who was pushing him further towards the hell-ish ball of fire.. He tried holding ground for the last time.. arms flaying.. legs kicking…

..and he sent the quilt flying to the floor..

The digital clock by his bedside read 2:08 am.
'Ohh.. Phew!' He stretched along the bed to reach to the water jug on the other side.. He muttered a few curses as he found it empty forcing him to leave the warm hollow of the bed..
Cold of the water and the chill in the air goosebumped him, as he gauged his sleep-quotient.. 'Nahh.. too awake to sleep now..'

He glanced outside.. It was interesting being awake in the dead of the night.. An occasional late night driver shattered the silence, and a beam of light traced a path on the walls, through an gap in the curtains.. lighting up for a moment an otherwise dark setting..
He stood lost in his thoughts until the stillness of the night got all consuming.. in a ceaseless drone.. deafening to say the least..

As he moved towards the balcony, something caught the corner of his eye making him glance inside the room..
Lying on the bed.. motionless.. was him..

The nightmare had just begun..

Tomorrow's another day

2010-07-31T13:48:00.002+05:30

And the song within bursts out alive
mocking the conformities running rife
with a cliched upswell of metaphors trite
and the puritan belief in the fairytale naive,

I wander along the shore in fog and moss,
in the distance waits the bridge to take across .
I too have a dream..

Intent

2010-07-22T23:13:00.005+05:30

It's so easy to be swept in the current, float leisurely along.. takes the weight off us trying to swim. No more efforts drained in maintaining a pace.. bracing the waters.. cutting through.. forcing ahead. No keeping counts of breaths in and out. Sure its easy.. it's just letting resistance get diluted in the face of an incoming surge.. just letting go and the flow takes you ahead..
In fact it's so easy that at times, it takes a while before one even realises that they aren't even swimming.. that the strokes seem effortless because they are not pushing ahead at all.

And then when one thinks of getting in control again, it's a tedious route forward.
Not only it involves wringing the lethargy out of slackened muscles but also composing focus on the task ahead.. For the most experienced swimmers will agree that while it's not as much of an effort as swimming against the current, cutting strokes and maintaining your rhythm along the current is not easy as well.

My most earnest dilemmas have risen in situations as these. What has helped is.. Authenticating myself to me.

The Fountainhead

2010-07-05T23:55:00.000+05:30

I finished reading The Fountainhead for the XXth time today.. (I kept a count till 17 times.. that was in 2007). And each time when I put the book down, the residual inertia of emotion is different from what it had been earlier..

What had been 'awe' at first.. gradually morphed into 'inspiration'.. then taking the form of 'skepticism'.. even 'disdain' later.. and then surprisingly returning back to 'courage'.. or even to 'hope'.

But no denying that there's a certain magnetism in the intricacy of writing that draws me inexplicably to itself and I find myself - noticing a statement that strikes altogether different meanings in different contexts.. or contemplating a nuance of character that had slipped conscious recollection earlier.. or simply recalling the childish grouch that I held so long for not pursuing architecture..

This book has been one long winding thread connecting my years.. and into the future, it's here to stay.

Missing links

2010-06-21T23:53:00.004+05:30

For a long time I believed that my memories are safe within. Like a private treasure that I could peep into anytime I wanted to. And I did too.. quite often.
As a déjà-vu that would come as a moment well preserved.. or may be just a gentle reminiscence in a laid back hour.. or even a sudden recollection as a spin-off of something entirely different..

But I have come to realize that memories are never complete.. There’s a gaping gap that’s left behind when sentiment made its departure.. An insoluble abyss, which does not allow one to reconstruct a memory entirely.

So I am left with.. some brilliant moments within.. wherein I can recall the tiniest detail.. of surroundings.. of people together.. of the event.. of self.. including the exploding joy contained... and still find myself turning away in a while as an indifferent bystander .. unable to recreate the magic of the original rapture.

"Click" the moment!

2010-06-06T14:00:00.004+05:30

A lot of my friends practice photography in their spare time.. the works range from amateurish to professional.. and the moments from casual to studio. Often weekends would be utilized to capture some stills and since it'd give me new places to explore, I'd happily tag along!

"Hey.. just hold that sheet will you? I need shade here"
"Hold it! Bas... thoooddddaaa sa side dekh.. ! "
"Do you think the light is too harsh or is it just right? Retake?"

Yeah... My roleplay in these trips varied between a glorified spot-boy (or girl if you please) to muse to critic. And as I stayed around observing my friends work I learnt that there's a lot that can be learnt from the art of photography... about life, about relationships, about things that matter...

There's only a range of focus that allows you a clarity... a little over-focus, a little under-focus and all you are left with is a haze.
Zoom in too close and your view is distorted in grainularity.
Zoom out too much and you risk losing the intent in surroundings.
Ambience is important. The same entity can look garish or surreal depending upon the background.
Once you have identified your view, hold the angle firm.
But allow unexpected intrusions occasionally.. they can lead to memories of a lifetime!
It's vital to capture the underlying emotion rather than the subject.
Exposure recieved is often the make-or-break factor in the final outcome
Like most other things, an expert opinion helps!

Mind the gap..

2010-05-29T00:28:00.002+05:30

Between Wish and Hope
Between Good and Agreeable
Between Try and Endeavor
Between Boast and Lie
Between Habit and Addiction
Between Notion and Principle
Between Lasting and Visible
Between Need and Use
Between Reason and Belief
Between Character and Entity
........

Slipping down the memory lane

2010-05-23T03:53:00.006+05:30

I have been 'inspired' into recollecting my first day in college..

Day 0:

I hated the idea of going to the place which was supposed to be my alma mater for engineering studies. I was clearly Not looking forward to going there.
Add to the woe, this 'temple of learning' was located on the outskirts of crime-capital-of-India.
But I had no option.. Unless you call taking holy vows and letting go of studies in entirety, an option. Yeah, DU was still there with some last rounds open, but at that my Dad would have taken the holy vows! :P
So with a heavy heart.. Anxious mind.. And totally revolting spirit.. I got ready to face the next day.

Day 1:

Though I had enrolled for the college bus, I did not find the idea, of getting ragged through the way totally on the mercy of unmerciful seniors, holding any appeals. Talked dad into giving me a lift there and as advised by my cousin regarding the dress-code to be followed, tried keeping it simply desi.

Reached college amidst swarms of other students offloading from buses. As a total giveaway of me being a fresher, I held this copy of time-table trying to figure out the mnemonics like DH / ME501 etc. Completely at a loss to decipher it, I looked around to see if there was anybody I could ask.. And all I saw was wicked stares all over the place as seniors sized up the newbies.. Ranking them in the order to be preyed upon.. Rating them on all measures...
Before I became a part of the prey-group, I caught hold of this faculty-looking-guy who was trying to control the mayhem and asked him where DH was.. or what did it even stand for..
‘Dining Hall’ came the answer.
Dining Hall!!! Why in the world would anybody want students to start their day in the Dining Hall! I wasn’t even in the hostel !

Moving out of the area to find somebody in a better position to answer, I ran into Pip.
Incidentally, I knew her name from a common friend and we shared the common school.
So with all that common, introductions soon were replaced with chitchat about school and then the conversation discovered another common ground in, and as we later discovered it was for the next four years, the crowd or rather our disappointment with it. Finding our way about the place, we located the Drawing Hall as DH was supposed to be and started our engineering.

(@pip The faculty-looking-guy was Rajnikant! Can you even imagine.. my first impressions of college faculty! :P)

The day passed along excruciatingly slow. We were thoroughly ragged. Pip though made her escape early. As she did for the whole first month!
I, instead, sang a hundred times.. Gave ‘intro’.. in English.. in Hindi.. I fortunately knew no other language and was spared the horror of inventing one.
Amidst peers, made a few acquaintances. And a few adversaries. (yeah.. right on Day 1)

In most cases..and with most people.. My first impressions on day 1 and the last impressions on day finale, were closely same. They did undergo alterations a few times, during the years.. But yeah.. The first instincts were correct.. And I now know better to trust them.
Not to be misinterpreted though, I hold some extremely cherished memories of my time spent in there. :)

All the same, this post is about my first day in college… and so it was.. a first in many senses! :)

The Urgent Vs The Important

2010-05-11T01:34:00.000+05:30

It's something I learnt way back in 1999, covered briefly as a part of 'Career Counselling and Orientation programme' held in my residential society. Towards the end of the seminar, after it had taken the laborious routes of Science and Commerce and Arts... and Engineering and Medicine and Hospitality... and Media and Adventure Sports and Beauty.. came the QnA round.

Amidst very serious to very feeble questions, I heard a voice, from the row just behind me, asking.. 'Where will I make most money?'. Predictably, loud guffaws followed. The guest-speaker could have chosen to ignore the question in the din, instead, he addressed the person back 'That depends on by when do you want that money'. With that he turned towards the white board and drew this graph.

Alongside he explained, how most of our thoughts, needs, ambitions, woes, regrets, deeds, to-dos can be classified into these four categories. And how the onus of prioritising between the Urgent and the Important lies solely with an individual. And that they were two separate labels.. not to be confused for one another.

As with most good things that I learnt while waiting for class / session / season / year to get over.. I realised the importance of this analysis much much later. But since then it has helped many a chaos(s) sort out.

Of course it's often a long while before I actually sit down to sort out a chaos. Penning it down here so that it's an easier recollection, the next time anarchy reigns supreme.

Looking back

2010-05-08T00:40:00.004+05:30

It's a dull canvas... Sky is overcast with dark clouds... a drizzling rainfall lends a wet grayish touch to the landscape...
I look out to the Sea for some solace... some vitality, but the Sea too is a tranquil gray shade today... with none of the zing of the emerald blue. Once in a while it heaves like a mammoth being, but for most parts it’s a patient quiet expanse in absolute sync with the sky above... so much so that it becomes a little difficult to tell them apart from a distance... Except for the sparkling foam that the former spews on the rocks...

With growing cities engulfing most of the open spaces and rest subject to hostile glances from the neighborhood... I have no other place to enjoy the rain but stand here... face glued to the window grill… feeling a sheet of moisture on my face every now and then as the breeze changes its course...

I see him now.

Like the trees that are swaying with the rhythm of the rain... Like the earth that’s fragrant with the music... like the zephyr that whistles the song... he too looks simply glad to be a part of the scene…

Stomping his way about in puddles… Chuckling with glee at the ripples created... Rushing forth to follow a blade of leaf as it swims down a stream... opening his arms wide... head fallen back... welcoming the rain drops into his embrace...

Perhaps it’s his bright yellow tee that I noticed first... Or may be it’s the startling contrast with the electric blue umbrella that he threw aside hastily... which is still open and now lying discarded… He looks to be around six... and now as I see him… His face upturned... eyes closed... and sheer delight enveloping his every feature... He is innocence personified... an embodiment of all the selfless love that childhood stands for...

The cell phone rings suddenly... drawing me out of my reverie... work awaits me...
I slide the glass pane shut... outside the rain is falling harder now... I see the misty landscape from a distance... occasionally disrupted by streaks of yellow and blue...
I see the streaks blur as the winds wash away the raindrops on the glass...
I see the gray broaden... engulfing the color...
I see the gray... until gray is all that there is.

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This post is one of the handwritten posts from my diary. Dated: 30-June-2008
A world that was Mangalore.

Contrast

2010-05-07T00:53:00.004+05:30

We allow appeals in higher courts for conversion of a well deserved death penalty, spend crores on the safety and upkeep of the convict in prison and silently mourn the 166 lives lost.
They are rounding up suspects and families around the world. Tracing long forgotten links into ancestory of each and promising hell if the suspects are proven to be on the wrong footing. For a bomb that did not explode.

Crossing the crossroads

2010-05-02T02:12:00.004+05:30

I was in class 4th when we were first asked to draw and color a landscape with.. Lo.. Behold.. Nothing less than.. Water Colors!!!

Not trusted with anything beyond crayons hitherto.. It was a serious growing-up moment..
And so I started with all the show and pomp.. A mixing tray.. A bowl of water.. A palette of vibrant water-color cakes.. a camlin Size 3 brush... pencil.. Eraser.. All proudly decorated on my desk..
A grumpy middle aged Mrs. Ghosh (my art teacher back then) mumbled something about taking care of not letting the color soil our uniforms and off we began..

The pencil flew over the page and up came three hills.. a sun between two of them... a river.. a boat in the river.. a cottage by the riverside.. a tree by the cottage.. Replete with apples... a swing on the tree.. And a girl standing outside the house.. !
Impressed with my work( Yeah.. ithaas gawaah hai.. it has never taken anything much for me to get impressed with myself ;) ) , I carefully dipped my brush into water and began the painting part..
Green for the hills.. Yellow for the sun.. Blue for the river.. And on I went.. Happy-happy.. Proud-proud.. Until the boy on the adjacent desk shook out water from his brush and thus landed on my sheet ... three drops of ghastly.. What’s that.. Blue.. No.. Purple!!!! Yikes!! Right next to sun.. !! What in the blazes is that! Sunspots visible from the earth..!?!

He turned to me with a sheepish 'sorry' and to restore the peace.. tried picking up the drops with his brush again..
Consequence.. a good inch long streaks.. of purple .. ! On my prized landscape! Sob! Sniff!

Now before I could decide whether I should cry out at this or save the effort and just punch out daylights of this friendly neighborhood villain.. My desk-partner intervened with 'Inko clouds bana de..'
Well yeah.. That made sense..
So came rounded edges to those ghastly streaks.. And purple clouds around my sun formed an added feature of my landscape.. or as Mrs Ghosh saw it.. it’s USP..
The end result.. A glorious A+ on the sheet.. And place of honor on the class bulletin board..

It had happened then.. And it recently happened again..
A chance occurrence that may well prove to be a defining A+ moment of my life..
And yeah.. I was again ruing the occurrence until a friend intervened…
For now, am ascertaining whether the streaks can be made into clouds.. :)

Homecoming

2010-03-15T20:53:00.003+05:30

Reva glanced at the windowsill yet again... and smiled..

The windowsill was her own place in the house.. Amidst rooms that were designed by her father-in-law and upholstery that was chosen by her mother-in-law and carpets chosen by Tatva, her husband.. This windowsill by the kitchen was her own space in the house.. where she had lovingly planted her daisies and fuchsias and cacti.

"This is all that you can have dear, highrises don’t allow for gardens" was all Tatva had replied when she had mentioned her passion for plants.. So be it.. She had transformed it into a haven for her flowers..

Not just a thing of beauty.. it was also her pride..

"Now that’s a pretty window! Reva.. You have the most amazing flowers in the city.. I could never get a bouquet that could stand against those.. So I got you chocolates instead"... the guests were unanimous in their appreciation and she would accept the compliments graciously..

A special place of honor was for her Camellias.. Pearly whites with just a touch of blushing hue.. They reminded her of the white sands and snow and bridal gowns.. of all things white and pure and pristine.. Delicate and difficult to sustain indoors, she nurtured them with all her care..

But she listened to Eti, her childhood friend, a botanical expert and minor celebrity in Flower shows in the city, when she had a word of advice for them. "Colored ones.. Pinks and Violets and Yellows.. Those will look spectacular against the pale walls and they age later too.. And all you need is to add this vial to the manure".

She did.. And the results were spectacular...
Deep.. Rich.. Vibrant color.. And true to Eti's word.. the flowers lasted longer..
Often while standing at the window she could see passing people gazing at her flowers admiringly, warming her heart further..

But mere novelty wears off soon and Reva once more longed for the pale sober white camellias of the older days… Eti however couldn’t help “It’ll take a while to go Reva.. Depends on how much have the roots taken in.. Can’t say for certain”… and with each new bloom Reva checked if the color was fading..
“Forget about them.. Or darn it! Throw them off.. Get a new sapling” Tatva too was getting fed up.
And slowly she let go.. Just watering the plants and turning about.. Not bothering even as the colors gradually faded..

Until today… when a streak of white caught her eye..

The newest bloom on the plant was white.. She checked to be sure.. Yes the bud was white.. Pearly white like it had always been before..

Her pristine beauties were back.. With just that touch of the sanguine hue.. :)

Dream until your dream comes true

2010-03-14T00:36:00.003+05:30

“Apna toh aisa hi hai yaar.. itna bada nahi sochna”

The cafeteria was crowded in the usual way at the peak of the lunch hour, with precariously balanced plates making their way through the place in equally precarious hands. The regular banter resounded around.. Conversations in offices are pretty predictable actually and when tables are set close to accommodate maximum people.. I couldn’t help but overhear the other conversations going around..

That’s when this comment from the adjacent table pulled me back into the reality from which I was drifting afar after the heavy lunch… couple of minutes of listening on (intentionally this time ;) ) and I could grab the rough context of the discussion..
So one guy was proposing some freelance bid for a project and expounding the growth prospects of the same.. The person across the table clearly was happy where he was, comfortably settled in his cocoon…
On the way back to my desk, I happened to mention this bit to my colleagues and the conversion took the route of security and servile attitude and finally ended on how the education system was the root cause of all evils..

It got me thinking.. Especially since in my set of friends, self-reliance rules the talk and conversation is liberally sprinkled with the funkiest – freakiest ideas to achieve the same.. And not all of them are from a business background..
If the education system is the culprit here, then how did these differences crop up? And while means differ resulting in different risk-taking thoughts, how does this aversion to even thinking big arise… does comfort act so limiting.. Whatever happened to good ol’ dream on dreamer?
Different strokes for different folks.. huh? :)

Back..

2010-02-12T13:10:00.000+05:30

And across the lands I move on..
Leaving a trail of footprints fading..
Following the dawn as it creeps afar
Shedding the cape of dusk graying..

Incoherent again

2010-01-05T02:20:00.004+05:30

I have learnt to my utter discouragement.. the exact figures of how many people people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.

I refuse to be amused. :|

Things to remember -

2009-12-21T23:43:00.005+05:30

Things to remember:

1) The worth of character
2) The improvement of talent
3) The influence of example
4) The joy of origination
5) The dignity of simplicity
6) The success of perseverance.

- Marshall Field (American department-store owner whose pioneering activities in retail merchandising were continued and extended into publishing by successive generations of his family. 1834-1906)

Simple.. Concise.. Direct..
Impressive.. Ain't it ? :)

Does the 'right to live' include the 'right to die'?

2009-12-18T00:08:00.004+05:30

A quick glance at the newspaper this morning amidst my scurried routine, stirred memory of an increasingly heated discussion on the issue with a friend, some weeks ago..

The protagonist of the headlines here had wafted her way through 36 years of vegetative existence. Which made me think again if it's ethical to make somebody forcibly ‘live’ in such conditions.. to force people through a charade of being with a never ending drain on relations and resources and emotions.. ?

The discussion took its expected turns around the blocks of 'the ethics' and 'the liberty'.. through the chaos of 'the freedom' and 'the limits' and culminated in a cease-fire in no-mans-land, brought upon by work schedules..

Getting back to the subject per se.. the arguments continue.. While supporters tout examples of Netherlands, Belgium, Norway, Sweden etc. where Euthanasia has been legalized … (and with good reason..!), The torch-bearers of humanity insist that matters of life and death should be left to the one above.. forcing one to think - where does it lead judicious capital punishments!

I for one support the idea . Not unlike a vehicle, the steering wheel should firmly remain with the driver.. Which brings us to a question again, i guess.. who is the driver.. ? :)

The debate goes on… as it has.. as it will.. ad infinitum!

Respite

2009-03-21T00:21:00.003+05:30

The trails have changed oe'r the years..
From dewy paths to asphalt anew..
Withering sights of dragging rationalities,
I am seeking once more the sanguine hue

A brief interlude..

2009-01-22T14:02:00.005+05:30

He approaches softly. Just as a subtle hint most of the times.. a shadow of his being..
Indiscernible in the beginning, it’s not until that he makes himself comfortable in my realm that I notice his presence..

I have tried shutting him out, desperately ignoring his presence.. Busying myself with whatever’s handy each time I sense him tiptoe into vicinity. In vain though, often.

He knows me too well.. Acquaintance of years, you see . Possibly that’s the reason for his smug bearing. The familiarity of task with which he seizes reins from my hands into his own, bears testimony to association.. And as ever, He casts a benign smile to me as he does it.

May be am the one’s who has been guilty of overindulgence. Eons ago when I was, whenever I was.. afraid; to venture into an unfamiliar territory , I called upon him.. Held his hand firmly as I charted my courses through alien waters.
He never failed me once.. was always there.. Silent, unwavering. Unrelenting too… He wouldn’t let me recede back. No matter how’d I beseech to.. And together.. Hand in hand.. We kept moving on.. And on.

Of late though, I realized the grip he had on me.. Now it was him who’s holding my hand firmly… not letting me go..

Perhaps he’s afraid that I’d get swept away by the high current..
Perhaps het’s just used to my presence.. As much as I am to his..
Perhaps he’s afraid I’d back off…
Perhaps I just want to now..

A slow weariness has begun to set its roots unfathomable miles inside of me.. I am getting tired with every step that I take.. And it's not just years of forcing my way through swift currents that is responsible.. It's something like a senile decay that has set in.. Arthritis is claiming my very soul.. Showing up as gnarled knots in spirit and resolve..

Dreams are like ornaments, the young wear many.. The old look foolish wearing even one.. Counseled Mameha in 'Memoirs of a Geisha'

Yes, perhaps it is that way..

I recall us discussing the power of his presence.. How he was all that some people had… How he was both a boon – As he was to me then..
and
A bane- “ ‘Coz you are like wood.. You smolder on long after the fire had been extinguished.. Carrying the spark quietly in your womb.. Hidden from the sight of the rest of the world.. Its precarious..”

Yeah, he could be dangerous..

These days I feel his presence near me, all the time.. Half a step behind.. Ready to catch if I slip.. To take over if I start letting go.. Simply being around.. to be around.. whenever I need him.. if ever..
I don’t think, I need him anymore.. I don’t think I intend to cross any strange waters any longer.. I don’t think I am upto it any further..

I look up to him to tell him it all.. To tell him off… and find him humming to himself..
“…
Jus few days to tote the weary load…
No matter twill ne’er be light..
Jus few days we totter on the road….
…”
I smile and offer my hand..

He resounds in my heart… He’s - Hope.

Blank

2009-01-21T23:25:00.006+05:30

Like Mario Puzo said...
' Never go back.
Not for excuses.
Not for justification.
Not for happiness.
You are what you are, The world is what it is.'

Yeah..

The Wor(l)d is Fuzzy…

2008-12-30T12:37:00.007+05:30

‘Hey! check this out… !’

Yesterday, during one of those random recollections.. I recalled myself and my PIP sitting outside the canteen, going wide- eyed over the syllabi of Fuzzy-Logic as an elective..
Who would have thought back then, Not far down the line.. Fuzzy will be all that everything around is..

The contours are all a little windswept.. the lines are all blatantly blurry..
I can’t pinpoint and say ‘Yes, that’s where it begun'.. or may be ‘ Ah! that’s when it started taking the shape it has today’.. There are no clear beginnings as I see in hindsight.. There is no clear end as far as I can make out in future.. It all looks like a vast expanse of mid section that is stretched out till horizon both ways and then again… My horizon gets lost in clouds!

Even as a child I recollect my drawings having black felt-pen outlines without fail..
Later, as a wanna-be sketch artist.. I depended heavily on my ‘Apsara extra dark pencil’ to bring out the forms that’d stand strikingly clear against the white of paper..

Like most mortals who’d rather have a crystal clear image.. fuzzy edges are pretty disconcerting…
Add to it , impatience that i possess.. And the whole idea is almost infuriating..!

It’s like driving on a foggy morning.. No matter how urgently you need to get someplace.. No matter how late you are for your appointment.. In the best interests of all, you must not let the speedometer needle over-sweep..
(Yeah I know.. We have all done our fool-hardy bits on December mornings on DND expressways, that’s the whole point of adding ‘In the best interests of all’ :P )

Coming back to the fuzzy idea.. In its own sly way, the situation is teaching me the virtues of endurance. As a matter of fact its forcing down pills of patience down my throat, while binding me to my chair so that there is just no way out.
Am confused, to say the least… Am bewildered, at best.. And am eternally grateful to this one individual who helped me get into this state..
And just so that the lessons dont get lost, in these circumstances..
I think I’ll take a time-out and observe it as it unwinds.. it for sure is bringing in new dimensions.. it may just turn out to worthwhile! :)

And to think of it, it’s something that me and PIP agreed on without contesting, even back then..
Fuzzy looks good!!:)

P.S. Aseem, this one's for you... You are the haziest person i've ever had the honor of bumping into!

R.I.P. my friend.. I'll miss you..

2008-12-28T20:09:00.014+05:30

Just when i had given up, he sauntered his way into my life in his very special style and made me believe again..

The only person i have known, who could be called 'Best-in-class'.. with All the Class one'd ever need in a guy..
There's a void Aseem.. and words will never be enough..

Aseem-o-shaan-e-shehenshah.. you live on..
Love ya alwaysss..

Dated: December 4th, 2006

2008-10-04T00:28:00.008+05:30

Yet another entry i tumble out into the daylight from the dingy labyrinth of saved idiosyncrasies...
Yet another attempt, from the days of yore, at fiction writing.. and I don't really have much grounds to blame you if you guys are glad that I gave up! :P

-------------------------

With or Without You..!

I love her.

Yes, I am in love with her.. I was.. I have always been for as long as I remember..

Too much in love to let her be away from my sight…
Too much in love to be apart even in thought..
‘It must be so smothering’ They said.. And I agreed.. I knew already.. I wanted to give space to her.. To let her breathe.. I strived.. I failed..

I saw the signs.. I struggled to amend… I held on..
I saw her getting tired more easily… I held on..
I held her close.. I kissed her.. Made love to her..
Tender.. Gentle.. Love..
So as not to hurt her.. Even in the slightest.. Ever..

She must’ve tried to give a parting smile.. too weak to utter words..
‘She must’ve..’ I say, coz I can only guess.. I’ll never know for sure.. I was holding her tight against me you see..

They say she was dead for long before they found us.. together of course..
They called me Insensitive Selfish Bas**** to not have got her treated while there was still time..
They called me… Errr.. nek.. necr.. Necrophile..
..Yes, I think this was it.. I am not very sure about that word.. I think it was this.. I still don’t know the meaning.. let me know if you do…
They slapped me when I tried holding on to her..
They spat on my face..
They kicked me away..
They took her away..
They said.. She Was… Dead.

I saw them leaving.. I gazed while they were in sight… I continued to stare much after…

I have been living here ever since..

Its dark in here.. why did they make window so high.. its near the ceiling.. Nobody can look in.. Nobody can look out..
I tried walking up to door yesterday but its hard to do that when you have your leg chained..
I think the days have gone very short.. coz I don’t see light outside very often..
The place could use some sunshine.. its so dark n dingy n damp in here..
There are cobwebs too.. I dont really fancy spiders..
Pardon me? Oh! you dont like them too.. good.. perfect nuisance they are..

Hush ! Not so loud.. !

They say I am mad..

Ha! Like hell I am! You cant believe them you know.. They say what ever they want..

Just like yesterday.. They said.. They said.. She is… Dead.
(Chains shuffling out... Voice drowning.. )
They say what ever they want..

-----------------------------

Afterword: I have tried rewriting the end aplenty times.. Back Then and Some Times in between.. Somehow the writer's block (If it can be called that!!) has always obstinately stood my way..
Am sharing it here with the hope of getting some constructive criticism (at your mercy guys! :P) and a fresh perspective..
Feel free to post any remarks..

So long!

A Different El Dorado

2008-04-11T18:53:00.005+05:30

Pale gold autumn leaves crackle and crunch beneath the feet, as I walk.. The footsteps breaking the tranquility of the otherwise silent vista..
Somewhere in distance a cackle of birds goes up.. Probably sensing a predator nearby.. Possibly mistaking me to be a predator itself..

I halt awhile.. Uncertain as to whether I should take the next step further or not.. its an unknown territory after all with none too friendly vibes around.. but a faint tinkling of running waters ahead, draws me closer..

To come to think of it.. it were the cool waters that first lured me here..
I had wandered my way into this no-man’s land by a twist of chance.. Weary legs and a a still weary soul had almost given way, when a clear sparkle of radiance caught my eye as sunshine reflected from the aqua blue..
Meandering my way through.. hedges and shrubs.. sun paled grass and wilted weeds.. Scratched and thirsty, I inched myself closer to this haven..

......

The sky is donning a purple veil as the sun makes its way to its nightly abode.. The wind now carries a chill as the evening sets in making the merciless sun rays a memory of the past..
Its an unknown territory.. And yet, it now bears the familiar smell of the damp earth.. The rustle of the golden leaves beneath my feet is now has a rhythm as I walk across… The sound of gushing water is an enchanting melody.. Beetles scuttle past my feet and a gentle breeze caresses by way of greeting..

The previously aloof terrain is no more alien to me..

Its acknowledging.. Accommodating.. And gently beckoning me with a benign smile to call it a day.. To make it a home away from home..
It’s a welcoming gesture in anticipation of my assent.. And yet a deep-set wariness within is asking me to stay on the alert.. To weigh and reason..

For now its little choice, as the night takes reign.. My verdict now awaits the morning light..

Until then.. As they say.. Home is where the heart is. :)

Love story

2007-12-18T18:20:00.000+05:30

Wrote this piece almost an year back.. Havent had anytime in recent past to pour out something.. So am posting this just to lend a slight touch to the otherwise neglected blog..
Comments welcome! :)

--------------------------------------------------

Dated: 23 .01 .2007

She flipped through the tv channels… none of them capable of retaining her interest for a full minute..She fiddled with her pen.. an offhand glance once in a while at the heap of sheets lying nearby..She knew she had to write.. she wouldn’t be able to get along doing anything else as long as she kept that chapter unfinished..She was stuck for the plot…

On the wall in front of her.. Underneath the arty and a tad bit expensive piece of light fitting, hung a collage of various news-clippings… “Youngest Booker’s award winner”… “New author shows promise”… “Rewa - The latest prodigy in literature”… “Kudos to Rewa for the sensational ‘A slice of time’ ”…

The adjacent wall, distinct in its deeper shade of color than the rest of the room, was flaunting her photographs.. Accepting certificate from the president, As the chief guest at the city’s posh school, At the award ceremony of the national association of writers…
The walls were now splattered with the tones of the sunset… Colors mesmerising with their glittering reflections through glass pane of the huge windows of her 21st floor apartment..A multitude of hues… Giving color to her moments of celebration… A 3 year old celebration..

She looked up at the wall clock.. It was about time.. Tatva would be home soon..

She took a deep breath to prepare herself.. and almost laughed out loud at her reflex.. He had left early in the morning before she woke up.. Hence, this was to be their first encounter after the heated exchange last night…

May be she could pen down a rough sketch before he came, it would be impossible afterwards.Her deadline was approaching. And no matter how casual she tried to make her voice each time her publisher called, She was aware of the mounting pressure.. For already the word was out in public..

She scratched a few illegible words on the notepad with the blunt pencil.. as the lead to follow afterwards.. as she heard the turning of lock.

He came inside using his key and without as much as a glance at her went inside.The air between them hung heavy with unsaid words.. Of late he had been kind of preoccupied.. His face bearing an inscrutable expression.. Snapping instead of talking.. Temper flying off the handle at slightest pretext..Work pressures she had assumed.. And though outwardly unruffled, she truly longed to hear a couple of loving words from him.. If not loving atleast level words..

The rest of the evening followed a dreary monotony of routine.. She went about with her regular chores.. he went about with his..

The plot hit her as she stirred away the gravy on the stove.. The more she thought of it.. the more convinced she became that it was an excellent plot to introduce to keep the flow of interest going… Brimming with excitement she peeped in the bedroom, Tatva was already asleep..
“Oh f***! He hasn’t even had his dinner.. after a long day at work..” “ Must be hard for him too.. And all for petty ego skirmishes…” “And when you are in love does it really matter who apologises first?” “.. and may be I can make it up for all the past days later in the night..” …She thought to herself and caught her reflection blushing already.

She thought of waking him up and then decided against.. She’d write for a while and then give him her whole attention..

She went and sat down at her writing desk.. her fave piece of furniture in the house.. a low rise table against the window.. she sat huddled together for a moment.. looking up at the stars..

Framing the sentences in her mind.. Atlast satisfied, she started writing…

….She was reaching the end of chapter.… The flow of thoughts was almost turbulent now.. She penned them down as fast as she could.. She had to get back to him too..She wrote..

‘…he looked at her as she sat away in the room with her back to him.. He steadied his hand… It wasn’t indecision that made it tremble.. he had long decided the course… had meticulously planned out every move.. every consequence.. for the past one week, he had thought of little else.. Who was he kidding..? He had thought of nothing else..And now the moment had come… the moment that was his.. His to seize, before it flew past into oblivion…’

‘He approached her softly.. his feet making no sound on the carpet floor… she was a few feet away now.. still blissfully unaware of him.. His presence.. His notions.. His intentions.. She sat there busy with some filework.. A new surge of hatred sweeped over him.. He hated it when she became indifferent to his existence in her love for her files.. her work..’

‘She felt the edge of the metal against the back of her neck an instant before the trigge’

Her nearest neighbours were too far away in their dreamland to hear her scream of pain…A cry that died out as it arose…

The last sight Rewa saw…. before her eyes glazed over… was that of the smoking pistol and of Tatva towering tall above her.

Quo Vadis – Whither Goest Thou?

2007-08-12T23:58:00.001+05:30

‘Quo Vadis’ - The letters glinted in the hot summer sun in the corner shop of the crowded market street of my hometown.. Gold print on red-brown leather.. on Bata-sandals to be more precise..
My query as to what the words meant was lost in the hustle bustle of wrapping up shopping and heading home.. But there was something mystic about the words.. They stayed.. Etched in the mantelpiece of memory..

And then some fifteen, may be sixteen, years hence.. the words caught my attention again. I saw them- ‘Quo Vadis’.. in delicate gold print on red-brown leather.. However, this time on a book cover as I browsed through books in Crosswords..
They brought with them - a nostalgic smile..
As the image of the dusky sandals from the past, flashed for a microsecond..
And.. they brought with them- a chuckle..
A chuckle for the apt timing.. ! I mean.. here I was on my nomadic travelling schedule.. Touching base in the fourth city in a span of 5 days and schedules plans to cover a couple more looming on the horizon..

Told you about the mystic quality of the words.. ? Well.. It came calling again.. !
The words stuck on.. with a snug and settled and cozy bearing, in the sanctuary of my mind..
And I found myself musing over their pertinence all so often..
As I backpacked along the lush green hillsides.. As I sat in the café gazing at the traffic on the road.. As I laughed away the hours with old and new friends.. As i leaned against the door of my coach while the train meandered its way through farms and fields.. As I reflected over the multitude of different contexts relevant at this stage of being, in the quieter moments..

What all did I mull over and conclude, is a Long story.. Quite mundane.. And is going to put you all off my blog for the next decade atleast! So we'll let that pass and not mention it here..
What's important is, however, the realization- that two simple words have a world of philosophy and reason contained in them! You can argue and contest your own verdicts to no end! Blame it on too many roads in sight!
And, they are possibly the best-est ever form of Feedback Loop..
(Last bit was for the benefit of a certain specie - by the name of BD, around.. Who grasps the point, a lot better, when words are interspersed with technical lingo..!)

Now as the winds ask me.. Whither goest thou?

I have a better answer prepared..
To loving my life, I say.. :)

Cheers! :D

P.S. -
Parul, Hope this template makes up for all the colors that were missing in the last one.. ;)
You all out there.. This one is good i know! All the same.. Do lemme know what you think of it!

Voyage au centre de la Terre

2007-07-07T13:47:00.001+05:30

Tannnggggggg…….

Huh!!
Never mind.. Once more..
So.. One.. Two.. Three… and..

Ttttaaannnngggggggg….

Ouch!

Now this one truly rattled me up! The reverberations seemed to last forever.. and My shovel was vibrating like the prongs we used to experiment with in the physics lab..
Ah! The good old school days..
But hey! This aint any time to get lost in reveries.. ! Especially since here I was miles inside the surface of earth..
I looked up to the gaping hole in the face of the world that I had left above.. Hole to others that is.. for me it looked like an endless tunnel.. I could discern a faint trace of sunshine somewhere up there.. But, where I stood, it was just a beam from the torch mounted on my helmet in the name of light..

So what was I doing here..?
Umm… that’s a tricky one.. and a story for another time..
No, it aint related anyhow to my getting all worked up reading Jules Verne stuff..
But one fine day.. I went to the neighbours.. borrowed their shovel and helmet and started digging in my back garden..
The start had its own share of adventure.. Dirt digging is quite cool actually.. ( am sorry if I make it sound like mud slinging is fun! :p).. and not to forget .. worms and the creepy-crawlies..!
And down the time line ( or should it be the Earth Crust?).. The changing textures .. The varying colours.. caught my attention and then there was just no escaping..

Cut down to the current scenario..
The way my shovel obstinately refuses to plunge inside the earth.. it seems I have hit the bedrock and that i guess is the final verdict..
And with this my journey to the centre of the earth comes to an abrupt halt... Alas!

Actually would have loved to tell you more about this escapade.. About the place where I reached.. the great tempers, oops! Temperatures.. the cool comforting dampness despite all that.. and the gleaming crystal rocks..
But it’s getting a lil difficult when the screen is shaking so bad..

Oh well! Excuse me! Seems I am still reeling under the impact..! :P

And yeah... any comments about the template.. ? :)

At work again...!

2007-06-01T16:25:00.000+05:30

Template Designing... tAkE #2 !!

New template!

2007-05-20T21:47:00.000+05:30

My very first wholly self-designed template!!

Yeah yeah.. Bring the applause on! :P

P.S. If thats asking too much... keep mum!
I'll do better next time..! :)

Splinter.. (Storytime again!)

2007-05-14T14:35:00.000+05:30

With a trembling hand he reached out for the firmer… his eyes set on the object lying ahead on the table..
To others it might seem an inconspicuous piece of wood.. But to him..
To him, it was start of another odyssey.. Another dream to be carved into reality..

Woodcarving was more than a hobby or a therapy for him.. It was almost a necessary need.. His only approach to ecstasy…
He took a glance about to make sure he had all the tools handy.. There’s nothing more distracting than having to get up and search around for a tool after the rhythm of work has set in…Nothing seemed amiss.. Satisfied.. He picked up the block..

His eyebrows narrowed down in concentration.. as he began working..

Tiny beads of sweat appeared on the surfacing veins.. the tremor in the hand was barely noticible now.. That’s how he has always been.. Rock steady, in the times of need..
It was at moments like these that indeed it was impossible for others to tell that this person was a victim of Parkinson’s disorder..

‘Utmost unusual.. It is rarely ever spotted in people before the age of 60.. However young man, we are very sorry to inform you..’
One sentence that had changed his life forever..
'No, we dont have a cure for it yet... However medication might help..'
He had smiled then..It was just an endless wait now.. a wait for it all to end..

Now with free time on hand, it was recently that he had explored this old passion of his..
The task before him was growing tedious with every passing moment.. fine carving crossgrain was proving a daunting work..and yet it was the most beautiful face he had ever carved..

It was of a woman.. head reclining in sheer elation.. Eyes closed.. Parted lips..

Hours passed away…

The tremor seemed to be coming back into his hands now.. he jerked his hands in order to get rid of it.. The bust was almost complete.. just a few minor finishing touches.. beyond doubt it was his best work till date.. and he just couldn’t bear to leave it, for the day, incomplete..

‘Just a while more..Hang in there..’ He whispered.. To no one in particular but his own self..

‘Maybe the eyebrows could be a lil sharper..’

The tremor was increasing.. ‘Just a cut more there to give a fuller look.. and I’ll be through..’..

As he scrapped away the woodshavings, a splinter managed to barge its way in the forefinger.. resulting in a sharp reflex jerk of the already trembling hand..
He saw the the veiner slipping.. and cutting a deep gash across the mouth of the scupture..

It seemed to give a wicked grimace on an otherwise peaceful face..

A mocking grimace..

The trembling made his hands useless to pull out the splinter.. The more he tried, the deeper it managed to dig in.. His face contorted with pain, rage and a helpless fury at his own impotency..

He broke down into tears as he sat on the floor too overwhelmed to remain standing....

From the table above.. His half finished sculpture sneered at him...

Nahh, am not trying to convert this blog into A-Story-A-Day column.. But this one had been lying idle in the drafts for too long.. I thought i'd give it some fresh air :)

Some games..

2007-05-09T19:44:00.000+05:30

He walked into the field.... The crowd cheering him on....

As he stepped into the ground he shielded his eyes for a minute.. It was a wonderfully sunny morning.. the best in recent times..

He walked to his post..

The pitcher was getting ready..

The stadium rocked with the reverberations of his name.. his teammates showed him thumbs-up at a distance.. Hey! Even the cheerleaders were already chanting his name.. ‘It’s their job..’ he reminded himself.. Even though his smile betrayed the pride.. But that’s understandable.. At that young an age, it does mean a lot..!

The warm winter sun shone on his back.. He savored the moment for a while..

He saw the pitcher taking his position..

The match was important but there had been ones far more important and far far more tough to compete in.. He had sailed through them all.. Of course the sailing did get rough at times.. but that comes with the package.. doesn’t it.. ? He had been promised a treat at his fave icecream parlour if he fared well.. ‘..And if I hit a homerun do I get a special sundae?..’

He could already see himself there… he had seen the glossy posters of the sundae since so long.. He remembered his mother reprimanding last time he demanded it.. ‘Its too heavy for you.. it’ll kill ur appetite for food’.. and he had to settle for a simple icecream cone.. Well he’ll have it this time.. How wouldn’t he? His parents would be so proud to hear the stadium roaring his name.. may be his coach would get him a candy too.. ‘May be I’ll share it with that curly haired girl who has moved in next door.. she’s kinda cute...n who knows she might have some more candy..! Ah.. Heaven!’

‘STRIKE 1’

What?? But how could it be?.. I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t signalled.. he protested.. in vain..
The fault was only his own..

At a distance he saw his parents getting up and walking out.. he team mates looking dissappointed and his coach staring studiously the grass..

He felt a trickle of sweat run the length of his spine.. Two more to go..

(…. To be continued!)

Where’s the way out?

2007-03-29T20:53:00.000+05:30

It seems a Parallel universe..

The day dawns with the sun too close for comfort.. Mercilessly beating down the back..

Scalding... Blistering... Heat!

One eagerly awaits the nightfall for Some Respite.. Hoping against hope for a cool wind to soothe the prickly burns..
And all that one gets is.. Monstrous bugs..

Hideous.. Revolting.. Life-size-ugly.. Bugs!

.. Excuse me! Could you please guide me to the Exit..?

Rain Again...

2007-01-30T17:11:00.000+05:30

It had started to drizzle by the time he turned the corner to his home.. The wet pavement shone clean beneath his hurried footsteps..
The rain at this time of the year was surprising.. But the showers were welcome anytime.. Much needed respite actually.. Only if he could get home before the soothing spray turned into vicious torrent.. He had a long day tomorrow.. Couldn’t afford falling sick..

It started raining harder just as he reached home.. ‘Phew! Just in time..!’.. or so he thought..
Changing out of his wet clothes.. he made brewed himself some strong coffee and settled down in front of the television..
He tried to clear up his head.. a confusing chaos of thoughts had seized reins of reality from him.. But with so much happenning in his life.. it was proving a tricky task..

Outside, the storm was raging hard.. He could see windswept leaves sticking on his window pane.. Before being washed away by the rain.. He was suddenly grateful for the shelter of his home.. an unknown fear rising up his throat..

The news bulletins were soon flashing.. The rainfall was breaking all known records of the past century.. He bit his lower lip.. he did not like it a bit..
The unease within was growing to distraction.. He sat on the floor.. his back resting against the couch.. and closed his eyes..

How long or short span of time did he sleep, he didn’t know..

He could see a trickle of dark water.. seeping its way through underneath the door edge..

He went near for a closer look and he could feel the water level outside.. High.. Threatning..
A slight, almost unobserved, but menacing bulge indicating the brute force of nature outside… Waves lashing at the wood.. Hungry.. Impatient..

It was for real..

He took a step towards the door.. to force it open..

He hesitated.. may be he should wait for a while..

He had to decide soon..

Hey…So, how was the trip? :)

2006-12-31T17:31:00.000+05:30

Yes... ? ( A Big Smile.. )

Umm.. what part of the question couldn’t u get? …We went on a trip.. I hope u atleast remember that.. (Smile fading off a lil ..)

…Huh?? U don’t?? :o

Yes… it was all of us together.. ! (Patience givin way now… smile indiscernable.. )

…Still couldn’t catch on ?? (Checking smile.. two.. one.. zero.. negative.. negative.. Its an Emergency!)

Oh Bummer! We went on a trip round the sun.. the big fun n hoopla ride.. the jaunt lasting 365¼ days.. The year 2006 ppl!!

Yeah.. now u r on..! :) ( K.. Smile back!)

We have been more or less around.. on this web world.. Bumped into each other now and then.. Remained in sight more or less.. Greeted each other in passing..
And yet, the way the times have presented themselves may be widely varied for each of us..
For me, The 2006 rollercoaster was the best ever I took a ride on.. Head swam at the vertical drop.. Heart sank as the plunge engulfed.. The tranquil moments of climbing back to heights.. The inestimable high of being at the summit.. until the lows feature in the scene again..
The ride went on…

And as I disembark from it.. All I feel is the sheer ecstatic rapture that I was a part of it... No regrets.. No Longing either.. Just utter Joy!
Not that it was all glorious.. I did screw up my share of occasions.. and screwed royally to say that.. But then again all that I gained.. in person.. in experience.. in understanding.. has been more than due..
I am growing wiser.. am emerging juvenile.. All at the same time.. But What the heck..

The idea is to die young as late as possible.. aint it? :)

Wishing u all a very Happy 2007! Shine on..! Cheers!

And yes, How has the trip been? :)

Making up for the time lost..

2006-12-02T12:22:00.001+05:30

It could be spring.. the multihued vista lending rainbow colors to an otherwise drab routine.. the colors sparkling to distraction..
It could be autumn.. And you find yourself mesmerized by the last of the falling leaves.. the trails covered in dull mottled brown n gold..

The sights lure you as you walk along.. Fascinate you so that it becomes almost impossible to set your eyes back on your course..
You take a moment off .. or so you think.. ‘I am sure, I can afford a couple of seconds.. have been going so fast for a lifetime. I am already so light-years ahead, I can’t ever be late...’

The winds nudge you along, ‘Move on..’they seem to whisper..
You feel the breeze blowing through your hair.. ‘Ah..! such a beautiful day…!’
The winds smile sadly.. they tried..
The sun shines a little brighter.. in the vain hope of making you see your path clearly.. You feel the blazing heat and saunter away to the shade.. ‘Sunshine makes one drowsy so. How I could use a nap now.. But alright I shall make do with closing eyes for a while..’
The sun resigns.. it tried too..
…And Somewhere at the back of the mind a faint thought makes you recall the story of the hare..
‘Oh! Da gud ol’ days of childhood..’ ... is all that you read, before the all encompassing sleep takes over..

Slowly, the dark clouds of thunder stealthily creep along the sky.. Wrapping the reassuring warmth of the sun into the mammoth folds of shady moisture…
The zephyr too is no longer comforting… It’s evolving into a stormy gale.. You wake up shivering.. It’s already dark..
‘Oh F***! But hey! this aint any race.. How I walk along is my concern.. I’ll reach the end.. that’s what matters right?’
…. Convincing oneself is the easiest task that could be.

And yet as he trudges along the road.. it gradually becomes clear..
Though there was no tortoise involved in the race this time.. this was a race against time itself.. Time that sneered past you as you lay asleep in the shade..
… It’s going to take a lifetime to catch up now.. And may be a while more..

Twisted logic is fun! :)

2006-11-09T21:16:00.001+05:30

It’s a carnival of illusion .. decorated with a thousand and more.. glittering coloured lightbulbs that overshadow the trembling starlight from the sky… fun and gaiety and frolic reverberates the ground..
It’s quite infectious actually.. and all the composure one maintains is gradually eroded away as the rhythm gets to him.. making him tap his feet in tempo and then slowly it takes over… as he dips, swirls and sways with the beats..
It’s alluring.. and it’s a temptation hard to resist…A wave of exuberance that sweeps one off the floor..

‘If it’s too good to be true.. It probably is..’ the wise voice inside urges.. But its hard to listen to that voice now with all the music flooding the senses..

Carnivals are shortlived.. Illusions all the more so.. But the delight? It stays..
Well, Reason Enough.. isn’t it? So.. Play on… :)

Twisted logic is surely fun!!! :D

It's been awhile..

2006-11-01T18:14:00.000+05:30

Life’s come calling again, one of those regular surprise visits that catch me unawares.. As at all times.. with armfuls of presents.. Some leave me gaping... :o or shaking my head in utter dismay.. And then some others.. Hmm.. Well, can’t ever have enough of ‘em.. They are more than welcome, always..! :D

As of now.. am having tea with life…Comfy n Cozy n Blissful session… Savoring every sip of the warm brew.. Letting the warmth spread down my throat and settle someplace near the heart.. The aroma staying in the air long after the brew itself…
Calm.. yes, that’s what describes my state..

I am not lost, people.. Am just on hold..! :)

Ignis Fatuus

2006-10-25T21:00:00.000+05:30

(this one's has remained in drafts for so long.. its only now tht it seems apt.. A time and a place for everything.. did someone say!)

The scars run deep… The ol’ wounds of yore..
That burn and sting with the salt of the tears..
A haunting strain lures me to unknown..
Echoing melancholies that seethe n sear..

‘All but an phantasm..’ They warn me there
..and strive to hold, but all in vain..
‘Shadows of regret shall trace your path..’
‘Pay heed o’ wanderer.. ye shall be slain’

Yet I seek You my illusion ..
I Seek solace from the reality appalling..
Unnumbered tears remain unshed..
Only You bringeth peace to me..

Illusion thy name is Liberation..

Subconscious Misperceptions…

2006-10-24T20:32:00.000+05:30

It all starts as a point.. an embryo... barely discernable in the haze of actuality… that one casually puts at the back of the mind to be pondered over later… and then forgets all about it in the humdrum of existence..
Many even make the grave mistake of paying their homage to it's end.. never realising that It’s far away from being dead.. It'd infact stay with them.. never leaving them in peace.. tracing them to their graves their after..

It lives .. you see.. Feeding on its daily diet of emotions and happennings, It continues to grow.. In the dark, deep, dungeon of the subconscious..

And then one fine day.. as one scrambles through the mess of thoughts while contemplating some serious issue.. It emerges…. All grown up and hefty.. towering tall above everyone else around.. and bullying those into oblivion who choose to disregard his ominous presence..

And the person himself is pushed away to the role of a mere onlooker.. as It takesover the charge.. blinding the spectators to the reality by donning the veil of preconceived n bred notions…

The reins then slip out of your hand.. and there's little one can do about it...

He He.. :D

2006-10-22T23:33:00.000+05:30

#1: ‘Yeah.. I guess u r right..’
#2: ‘Well.. On second thoughts then..’
#3: ‘Much as i hate to admit..That’s a pretty valid point too..’

My pervasive cynicism is shrivelling up the fruits of everyone else’s optimism..

n tell u wat? Its fun ;) .. Quite a mouthful actually! :p

i wrote a story! :)

2006-10-19T13:52:00.000+05:30

‘I just had to… Don’t u see?’

She said.. clearly exasperated.. It had been going on for a while now.. .. it could have been a few minutes.. it could have been many hours …

I knew where it was leading to.. and I was ready to avert it at all costs.. scrutiny and analysis and the works have never been a fave past time of mine.. and they were hers for sure.. And so, here I was, ready wid the armor of logic and reason and arguments.. ready to veer any shot that came my way..

Her patience was dwindling away, n not that it was entirely her fault.. my reasons were going increasingly shallow wid every passing moment.. I still tried keeping up the charade until even I had to concede that my trickle of reason was lost in the desert sands of sheer gibberish…

With a leaden heart I sat down to my chore.. yeah am dissecting my soul.. the scalpel of thoughts make a clean cut.. incisions do hurt, as they would.. but in an amusing way the pain brings more focus to the task.. and layer by layer I pry open my being..

I had grossly underestimated the unpleasantness of the assignment..

May be I should have sat down to this a while earlier..
May be it would have helped then..
May be..

The expanse within was invaded and assaulted.. air stank wid the putrid smell of rotten mutilated flesh.. the darkness was all consuming..
Somewhere in the distance I thought I saw something move.. I made a mad dash to it to reach just in time.. just in time to see the last embers of lights dying out in the eyes..

I found myself on the ground.. kneeling beside a heap of what would have.. could have.. been alive.. She touched my shoulder..

‘Do u see… now?’…her voice lower now.. softer.. and almost understanding..

A drop of tear rolled down the length of cheek.. leaving a moist trail behind, that felt cold even in the warm breeze.. words choked inside as I barely managed to whisper..

‘I do.. now..’

Its a li'l late..

Time n Time again...

2006-10-07T19:10:00.000+05:30

Let Go...

Two uncomplicated monosyllabic words.. Two words that make me sit up and take notice of ‘em… Two words, that through the recent times, I hav heard oft repeated..

Letting Go has generally been a tough choice for me.. From the most mundane materialistic possessions to may be a certain higher level of thinking.. – My beliefs..
Then whether it refers to the worn out pair of jeans that stopped fitting me ages back.. or the dusty pair of sneakers at the back of the shoe rack.. (Yeah Ma, I can see u shaking ur head but am still not going to throw ‘em away!).. Or to may be.. Slightly more serious issues like bolted up emotions… Or to may be.. Even more serious.. People.. (Yeah, I know C_C is nodding at this! She bore the brunt of it last yr..)..

A few days back I was in midst of huge uproar.. ‘Let go’ was what I could make out of the din.. The words were flung at me from all quarters..- People.. Recollections.. Convictions.. All remonstrating at the top of their lungs.. Asking me nothing.. but to let go..
They were all around.. I could feel them all staring at me.. I could feel their gaze burning the back of my neck.. Some with plain curiosity.. Some other with open challenge.. And yet some others, with an indulgent smile.. Waiting for my answer..

…. From all my experience so far, It was going to be tough….!
My eyes closed, I took a deep breath, … in anticipation of wrought nerves..

And in that instant, the cognizance dawned that there was no cauldron of fierce anxiety within this time.. No White knuckled tension that steamed n boiled inside me....

To say that it was unexpected is putting it ever so mildly.. I expected tumultuous storms to rage, I was greeted wid placid waters.. I expected my heart to lurch and howl and yet I could evoke no response from within.. Even poking around didn’t serve the purpose.. It was all still.. Ripples created forcibly took no time to conciliate.. It just didn’t stir inside...
It was all so alien of me, It was almost somebody else there..

I turned to the mayhem... The racket didn’t seem loud anymore.. My steps didn’t dither as I moved towards ‘em.. My voice didn’t quaver as I addressed them.. And then I spoke.. One word that untied them all.. One word that liberated me alongwith, 'Go...'...

And know what... It aint that tough...

Alrite.. back! :)

2006-10-02T18:21:00.000+05:30

I found this piece of wire lying about in the house.. abt a feet long.. Thick.. Shiny copper..
At the age of four, it filled my restless mind with possibilities much more interesting than the toys strewn about.. And I began my tussle wid it.. Bending it into a flower.. then a ship then a hut..
When dad came back from office, I had just finished twisting it into a spring.. He smiled his approval and I decided I’d show him all that I could do with the wire.. afterall he hadnt seen the magnificent hut n the splendid ship.. so I went about the task again.. uncoiled the wire and started working once more..

And then it gave way..

My plaything broke into two.. almost in tears I looked up at dad and swiftly he was there by my side.. `Now we can make two things..!` he reminded and together we explored the myriad opportunities.. We got more wire from the shop the next day and I explored this wire modelling hobby until I had my fill of it.. But all that is inconsequential..

So why am I pouring it all out here 17 yrs thereafter?
BCoz... that was my first introduction to the word `Fatigue`..

In years to follow I realised that It sets in all the time.. And not only in pieces of wire...
People, Events, Emotions, Memories all fall prey to Its menacing claws.. It treats all alike..
The jerks and the thuds then go away unnoticed.. The rotting machinery unheeded.. The unoiled joints creak and screech and yet they stay uncared for..
It HAS ARRIVED...you see..

One tiny crack seizes the opportunity to start expanding its empire.. Rust obliges happpily.. The change is not so subtle, how can it be in the face of a growing void... And yet, one might not even notice until he hears the ‘Snap’.. and then it’s all a little too late..

I had a wonderful trip.. A welcome break that allowed me to put so many issues in their proper place.. Had it not been for this trip, I wouldn`t hav been able to recognise the fatigue setting in me..
The days ended all too soon!!! Wish so many more of these..!

Intermission..

2006-09-21T19:23:00.000+05:30

"All my bags are packed... Am ready to go..."

Know what.. I really envy Mr. John Denver if he was able to get away that easily..

To come to think of it... I haven’t even really started packing as yet and every predicament possible is coming out of the woodwork n announcing its presence here....Leaping out I’d rather say..

Things n events that never trespassed the realms of life are staring in my face, demanding instant decisions in matters that involve life n death.. (Well ok… may be not literally but figuratively yes..)

I try to keep them on a hold for a while by mustering up the most charming smile possible (Those who know me would vouch for the fact that what an effort it is..Me! n charming!) ..And an evasive shrug…
But they are not to be fooled and they tap their feet impatiently and fix me with a gaze that says.. ‘Decide… NOW!’ …( As if deciding was that easy! ‘Jerks..!’ I mutter under my breath..)
Neways am still trying to stall time for a while as I go around in the Hmm..(s) and the Ohhhh.(s). and the Ahhh..(s)..
(… Dunno how long that’s gonna work..!)

Neways crux of the matter.. am moving outta this mayhem for a week.. a quiet, unruffled week I hope… (Keeping my fingers crossed!)… Cya all later..

An year ago today..

2006-09-15T22:27:00.000+05:30

How would have I reacted had somebody told me before.. That within the span of an year, Things wud change so drastically..That.. Situations.. Times.. Feelings.. Perspectives.. all would undergo a transformation so radical that they’ll bear no resemblance to their face of past.. ?
Dunno.. May be shrug it off, while labelling the person a complete jerk… and topping it off wid ‘Nerve of that guy..!’..
And today.. it seems impossible to even believe it was me..

I have no clue as to why did this thought pop up in my mind.. or why do I remember the exact date of the event.. especially when it was something as inconsequential as an sms…

But I do.. and I am almost thankful that I do.. Coz I am grateful to the severity of the contrast between the two days.. September 15… 2005 and 2006..

Had one the best days in recent times today.. Laughed away the hours.. :D

Sudden thoughts.. and second thoughts...

2006-09-12T15:17:00.000+05:30

It seemed a fair day…..bright and sunny with just a hint of clouds on the horizon.. the breeze cool n soft.. flowers in full bloom lending colour to an otherwise austere backdrop..
All in all a perfect day to laze around in the garden.. basking in the warmth of the sun…. eyes lightly closed.. arms limp by the side..

Has it ever happenned to you? That the cosmos realises that you are simply a little too calm n poised for its liking? And it schemes and plots to shake you out of that reverie?
Well... it just did that again..

And like an Irritating Big Fat Bumble-Bee came up a gnawing thought from many fathoms deep inside..

Bzzzzzz……

In all that serenity suddenly this noise seemed like a grating dentist’s drill.. irksome and absolutely impossible to ignore..
I try covering my ears nevertheless.. It starts hovering even more close.. resolute to shatter the tranquility..

Bzzzzz….Bzzzz….

The buzzing continues.. apparently am of even more interest to it than the blossoms around...
Or may be it has taken a fancy to me..

Bzzzzzz....... it went on.. drowning everything else in that drone..
(WTF! I cant even tell it to ‘Buzz off!’ )

I move my chair a little distance away.. (Yeah, I know it wasn’t very smart but ...in a desperate bid to avoid.. !)…
The bee hovers still in air, perplexed for a while (Hmm.. I’d like to believe that) … then turned and promptly locating its victim again swoops down to my side..

Bzzzz….Bzzzz…(Here it goes again.. )

‘This is it.. I am not going to let that obnoxious lil devil drive me outta my heaven..’ I think and try to swat it with the roll of newspaper in my hand.. but even with its portly fat body, it is way too agile for me.. (So much for my reflexes..! )

‘What is it??…’ I ask.. (Cant believe am talking to a bumble-bee now..! I surely need help!)…

It pauses a while in mid air.. bestows a condescending glance…(and I think I saw a sly wink..)… and says..

Bzzzzzzzz….

(The dance of mockery continues.. )……..

Mundane Musing..

2006-08-17T23:19:00.000+05:30

Tired dreams dissolve forever..
in the stale patina of time…
Seeps in through the sheer veil,
the silence pregnant with malice..
An eternal rest is all he desires..
yet the weary night drags along..
Hurt and Bleeding and yearning a halt..
The wanderer must still move on..
Move on in the wake of dusk afar..
Move on in search of the morning star..
Move on he must... Move on he will..
Coz its not over until it is..

"Life is a rollercoaster"..? yeah right..!

2006-08-12T21:37:00.000+05:30

Its completely out of sync.. Isnt it supposed to be a little more dramatic .. a little more remarkable.. when ur world twists and turns right under ur feet.. leaving u staggering and grasping about?
Is the lull bespeaking a storm.. or is it the one right after..? I wish i knew..

The Road Taken..

2006-08-12T21:23:00.000+05:30

' I double dare u ..!' She exclaims..
Voice resonating with an impish glee..
I halt in my tracks and turn..
‘Dare to play?..’ asks again She..
I look at her hoping for a clue..
Waited if She’d let out a smile..
Reassuring deep inside..
That She’d been jesting all the while..
I waited forever or so it seems for
A ray of hope that never came..
Whilst She stood gazing unwearied..
Waiting to see if I was game..

‘Its insane!’ am tempted to tell..
‘Go away..!’ am tempted to yell..

I draw in deep to tell her off..

And then I shrug and comply..

'It keeps coming back to me!'.. Not anymore though.. :)

2006-08-03T13:14:00.000+05:30

It had been raining since morning..

As it is with the electricity deptt of the region.. at the first hint of clouds, the supply was off... Whatever daylight existed soon dwindled away as clouds darkened and thickened.. lending an errie gloom to the surroundings..
With nothing much to do at the moment.. I chose to sit back leisurely.. resting my head over my arm.. my eyes closed.. sleep laden they were from an exhaustive day.. the rhythmic music of the raindrops playing lullaby.. I was slowly drifting off into the world of deep slumber..

Wish I knew better..
Mind actually has a weird sense of humour.. it plays tricks when u r least expecting them.. not that they are funny either.. But here it was, in one of those 'playful' moods.. and grudging or not I had to oblige..

He took my hand and pulled me down some dusty old paths.. Long forgotten trails.. the silence echoed all around.. The only sounds were my footsteps and the chuckle of my playmate..
And then i realised the place from the days of yore.. the birthplace of incessant memories... those that bring smiles alongwith those that make one wince in pain..
'Let go'.. I whisper.. but the grip tightened instead..
'I am not a very looking-back kinda person..' i try reminding.. a futile attempt though..

Countering all evasion, Nostalgia set in... Memories… cherished and prized… brushed past like a soothing zephyr.. Recollections that had faded with time were suddenly vibrant and alive.. luring me.. mesmerizing me..
And so deep was I in thoughts that I didnt even feel the parasitic vines of grimy reminiscences sneak up to me.. Until they were all over.. Tying me down.. Sucking the breath out of me.. Feeding on me, my flesh, my soul..
I struggle against ‘em, but they seem to be getting stronger.. I look over to my playmate hopefully.. And he just shrugs.. 'These are your demons.. its ur fight!'

A stifled plea escapes my throat.. Only no sound is heard.. And as I resist my conscience giving in to the waiting darkness, the last thoughts are...' I will... ...' ...

I wake up with a start…sunlight is streaming through the window panes.. the sky is no longer overcast… gleaming sunrays forged their way through.. Lighting up the world around..
No longer did the scene seem gloomy.. Coz one can see the rainbow at the horizon.. a riot of colors against the backdrop of solemn grey..

I have never felt more lighter.. :)

Crossroads..

2006-08-02T16:00:00.000+05:30

Yep… its one of those times again...am again at crossroads...
(The juncture seems familiar in a rather interesting way.. its almost a deja vu.. but may be that’s coz I encounter them just so frequently..)

Remember ‘Wizard of Oz’..? When Dorothy approaches a crossroad in the Yellow Brick Road, and her only guide is the Scarecrow? First he points and says, "That way is a very nice way." Then he points the other way, and says, "It's pleasant down that way, too." And finally he concludes, "Of course, people do go both ways."…

Its more or less same here.. the situation I mean.. unless of course there’s another fork in the road that The Scarecrow overlooked or may be forgot to mention..

It’s a nightmarish state.. Decision-making has never been so tedious.. Though the paths start at the very same point, they end up miles apart.. Either of the courses may have a nasty ruse up its sleeves..and while I don’t mind playful pranks.. Malicious intent is certainly unwelcome..

I am almost tempted to make the judgement using a simple toss (yeah I know it sounds foolhardy..but ‘been there done that’..! )

But this time the junction is crucial.. may be the one most crucial in the recent times to come..

And I guess that’s the reason that I find myself halting and reconsidering and reconsidering.. (The scarecrow didn’t prove to be much help too…)

And while, i could probably drink in the scenery all my life, waiting for the answer to dawn,.. The restless being inside is nudging me to move on.. I gotto decide soon..

A new quest awaits me.. New footholds and New niches waiting to be carved out in the trail.. And as far as the swamps & the quicksands go.. hmm.. I hope beginner's luck does its due..! ;)

Err.. Well..

2006-07-27T02:15:00.000+05:30

‘U shouldn’t.. U knw..’

‘Pray.. Why?’

‘I dunno.. Just have a feel... A hunch rather… U shouldn’t..’

Now ‘shouldn’t..’ is a very alluring term.. won’t u agree?
It sorta excites u..
Goads u on..
with teasing undertones of… ‘Go ahead.. Give it a shot!’..
Givin u ideas about venturing into unchartered territories.. while a lurking fear still resides deep as to what awaits u there.. Hell! it almost makes it seem like an adventure.. !
And while all the concerns of the well wisher do seem pretty justified.. its just too intriguing to leave it all unexplored..

And I hear the voice whispering again.. ‘U shouldn’t…’.. Wat say..?

‘Umm… try kar ke dekhen?’ ;) .............

The Changing Winds...

2006-07-22T17:12:00.000+05:30

The winds seem to be changing their course again… nudging me.. to join them.. to discover new realms, new roads..
Just when I start soaking in the delights of a settled life.. they beckon…‘Hey .. move on!’..
Arrrgggh! ‘Sorry boss.. I m not game!’.. I am tempted to reply.. but that wont work will it?.. and to forego being tossed out in the cold unceremoniously.. I concede.. ‘yeah… am coming..!’…
Actually it aint that unpleasant.. though leaving the cozy confines of ur world seems like a daunting task… but when I compare it with the prospects of a new trip into the unventured territories.. It seems like a big adventure.. Enticing me to follow…

But reactions differ.. Most people shiver when the changing winds blow up their course.. Their precincts feel invaded and they hate every moment of it.. Trying their best to run for cover and to save whatever they can from the good ol’ times.. They dread n curse n wail in vain…And with eyes stinging and watering they miss out on all the new opportunities being thrust their way.. Chances to grow.. to heal..to learn..

And I don’t blame them.. That’s rite.. I don’t..
And even u wont, when u realise their Herculian effort.. These are the people who spend their lives facing the force of the wind.. Ever tried walking against a storm? Bearing its brunt on urself? Right.. Its damn tough..! U have to struggle against the gale.. Face down.. Legs threatening to give way under.. While debris strikes u all over.. To say that it’s exhausting is putting it mildly…
Its time they learn to take the winds on their backs.. To walk the course of the wind.. To flow with it, while the wind carries them.. guides them along.. playfully tugging .. making their transition so much more effortless...

Changes bear gifts and challenges together.. new prospects and sacrifices… Allow the winds to carry you and the journey becomes a great deal smoother.. a lot easier… Let go of your hesitance and let the winds nurture you.. and when they die down, you'll find they left behind gleaming gifts for the ‘morrow….

Its raining!

2006-07-20T12:14:00.000+05:30

The veil of gray creeps up the sky… Bringing forth the first smiles of hope on the parched lips many..

The crystal drops fall…
Slashing through miles of air.. Unobstructed... Adamant... Resolute...
Seeking their way from paradise through to the gravel...Stirring dull souls.. Drenching one and all.. Without bias.. Without prejudice...
Carving their course through soil and stones... Mingling alike with the rivers n the swamps... welcomed or uninvited...

The Silver liquid drops embrace the wanderer... Reassuring.. Heartening.. The lush green around heralds brilliant omens.. Elevating his spirits...
And he muses vaguely.. at this feeling of delight.. ‘Must be damp earth.. Ahh, the smell always makes me nostalgic.. !’
The raindrops smile indulgently.. & bless.. As he walks on.. Oblivious… through the mist of the drizzling rain…

Drops of elixir, from Heavens to the Earth. A gift for the present.. Bespeaking a rainbow thereafter...

The feel of ecstacy enraptures one.. Mind, body n soul… until one just doesn’t have any way out.. but to succumb to the gleeful bliss…!
Rainy day blues... ?? Huh…? What’s that? ;)

Conflicting Conflicts..

2006-07-16T15:43:00.000+05:30

Take 1

One can see it approaching.. It's far for now but it’s on my course.. But at such great distance.. It’s just a speck..a dazzling point suspended someplace in the oblivion…

I: “It shouldn’t be there u knw.. Such things always unsettle me.. Why is it there?”
Me: “Ohh C’mon.. u don’t even know what it is.. May be its just an illiusion.. or even if its there ..it would just pass by.. So who cares why is it there or what it is.. but… wait.. I’d sure like to know what it is..? I like its gleam!”
Myself: “Well the crux of the matter is that… its there… and sadly it’s a little too early for us to know why its there? or what it is..?
And if u guys don’t remember we have a hell lotta work to do… ‘I’, set the oven.. ‘ME’, lay the table.. Get going! Stat!”

Take 2

Now its nearer.. and more visible.. it’s a great big ball of fire.. rolling my way.. its huge.. and one cant dicern whether the pathway would allow something else to squeeze past..

I: “Its scary.. start packing guys.. we need to move off..! Now’s the time !”
Me: “Whattt? Run away from impending danger!!??!! We r heroes.. And we’ll fight till the last breath.. No more of this escapist bullshit!”
Myself: “Listen ppl… this is getting ridiculous! It looks like we r re-enacting that stupid story abt ‘the three fishes n the fishermen’..
Remember..? Ma told us that story.. oh how old were we then? five? or six may be? ..good ol’ days man… (sigh!)
But alright.. we have an issue to settle here first.. ‘ME’ Will u please try to make out what volume is that thing going to occupy?.. subtact that from the total volume of the channel.. ‘I’ Calculate volume occupied by each of us and see whether or not we need to move..”

Take 3

Its here.. its Big.. its Hot.. but thankfully it leaves enough space on all sides for one person

I: “OMG!! Its huuuuggggeeee!!! And its blazingggg!! I am goin to duck guys…am lying down.. Ohh if only u listened to me then..but what use .. u never listen to me!!”
Me: “Lying down.. Hmmph! Looks more like u imploring it to leave u unscathed… u Coward! I’ll face it like a man…! Dying in the battleground is an honor!”
Myself: “Alright then ‘I’ is lying down.. Nothing doing ‘ME’..this aint a battleground… u are going to stand against the left wall.. and that leaves only the opposite wall for the want of flying abilities...
Face towards wall/earth guys.. we don’t want our faces scorched! And for Godssake! Pull ur tummies in!”

Take 4

Its gone.. my haven still exists.. intact…

I: “We live guys!! We LIVE! Thank you God!”
Me: “But I wish I had gotten a better look at it.. It was beautiful..Wasn’t it? ‘MYSELF’ why did u make me face the wall.. shit man!”
Myself: “Yes ‘I’, we all live.. We had to live.. It was all calculated for christssake!.. wasn’t it? ‘ME’ now that u have let it be known that u prefer ur face overcooked, next time u face the thing.. no issues..!
And this reminds me.. whatever happened to dinner? Its too late to cook now.. Lets go out and eat….. And dust urself ‘I’..and dont trip over ur shoelaces 'ME'... and where r the keys!...So.. ”

Obligatory Obstinacy

2006-07-14T22:26:00.004+05:30

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It doesn’t come naturally to me..

Not at all…

But then if I have to get in icy waters.. I’d rather not go immersing myself inch by inch.. subjecting myself to endless eons of pain as the cold bites into the skin.. Slowly…Steadily...Unhurriedly…

Taking a headfirst dive is more likely to me.. A straight plunge into the Dark, Deep, Swirling chasm below.. to feel the chill Blasting me to pieces.. the frosty water Searing through … Scalding me.. Numbing me.. And then promptly accepting me as a part of its freezing expanse… Patiently accomodating me… Letting me be one with itself…Allowing me to cut through.. to swim to any shore that i desire...

Its tough… but harshness of the situation is kind enough to present itself only in the first few moments of decision making… the rest comes on its own… the leap through the air…breaking through the water.. Scorching of the ice.. to the final state of immense tranquility…

It's Insane in all its occurrance...

It’s amusing from all perspectives…

It's gratifying in its own way...

It doesn’t come naturally to me… It will...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Find out for urself!!

2006-07-11T20:10:00.000+05:30

‘- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -’

‘- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -’

‘- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -’

Hmmm… Am waiting… hmmm… Still waiting.. Okay… Stop!!
Don’t gawk… C’mon! Its rude to stare u know !

No.. nothing is wrong with your sensory perceptions .. and yes, your systems character support doesn’t need an update either..!
You are seeing these lines as they are intended to be.. Blank! yeah.. Blank..!
Ohh.. here you go again..! No, you don’t need to start consulting maps to check out the shortest way to asylum.. I don’t need one as yet, thank you neways! These lines are here coz I felt like writing something.. And.. they are Blank.. coz I couldn’t really think up of some ingenious topic to pour my heart out on… candid enough??

Alright... What now? Actually.. its more of where-to now..? What way do I steer the topic to..?? Cant discuss forever as to how blank I can be.. Or cant I? I mean its no ego hassle here.. I can be dumber than anyone you have ever met before.. ( & those who know me can vouch for that..!).. I can be wiser than the wise men of yore..(Those who know me can vouch for that..! again!) … Then why can’t I.. for want of a simple reason.. be Blank! Yes, honey u guessed it right.. I intend to continue it like this.. !! 10 points to u for tht!

Actually know what? I can't really believe you still reading this.. Don’t tell me you got absolutely nothing better to do..! Okk I understand that you are considering this a civility to my blog.. Coz now that you have started reading this crap.. you think its politer if you read it all the way through.. But I’ll let you on in a secret.. ! You could shut the goddamn page right now.. & Noone would come to know.. No kiddin! Swear!

Or…May be.. You are thinking… that this junk may actually have a good conclusion… Well that sure is funny.. lollz.. ha ha ha he he… Wait… you aren't laughin.. Hmmm.. Whoa! You ACTUALLY thought that it might conclude in a sane way? Gawd…! You r surely an Optimist.. ! But knw what.. it doesn’t always pay to be that optimistic.. Like here… Infact here your optimism is a sure indication that you are about to visit a psychiatrist soon.. What? Fine..! Go your way.... Just remember that I warned!

So why exactly do u think that there could be a point in this post…? Yeah.. I mean what gave you this lingering thought that this could contain sense someplace.. or are you beginning to get disillusioned already.. Hey, are you.. ? Not confident nemore on the intellectual orientations of this post..? Ha ha .. Gotcha!! Didnt I...?!! :D

Hey...Don’t tell me you are leaving.. I had just begun to enjoy myself…It can get very engaging you know.. trying to bug sumone to death…! Try this sometime.. am sure you wont regret.. But wait.. Actually i shouldn't be advising you this.. you might try this out on me...! Right? Well…!! How very ungrateful of you! Whatever happened to the age-old concept of 'gurudakshina'!
Hey.. Are u still harbouring intentions to leave...! thats downright rude you know..When i have worked so hard to keep you engrossed!! What? You still wanna leave? But why would you wish to do that?? Am even talking sense now.. Ohkkk ..Fine.. if you wish so.. I wont keep you here.. But promise you’ll pay a visit soon again..! Wont you..? C’mon, you can promise this much..? am not asking for a lot am I? ya..? much better thanks.. ! Please dont keep me waiting.. :)

And If u don’t mind.. just clear up the mess before you leave.. Yeah.. that mess down there.. all that hair that you tore out.. Infact you could sell them to some wig-making company.. See such short span with me and you are already getting paid in hard cash! I got loads of enterprising ideas.. but thats for another post.. Cya around.. ;)

(ROTFL!! Gawd guys..Don’t kill me but it was real fun writing this..inspired by someone who incidently is quite a pro at this.. habitual to pouring crap i mean..!)

Friends... forever i guess..

2006-07-05T11:07:00.000+05:30

It's just begun to rain outside.. and I settle down with a steaming cuppa of my fave brew in my hands.. delighted in the rhythmic pitter-patter of the raindrops on the windowpane.. watching the patterns etched by the rain on the dry earth, before the pits n the mounds are leveled together in one vast expanse of muddy water...

She tiptoes to me.. Quietly.. Hushed.. Soundlessly she takes her place beside me.. She doesn’t need to ask... proprieties never existed between us...

Through the 21 yrs of my life.. she has never once failed me .. No matter how blatantly I have ignored her.. No matter how oblivious to her I pretend to be....
Through the jubilant highs and the pensive lows.. Through the deepest abyss to the pinnacles scaled.. Whenever I looked.. She was there.. right beside me.

I have cursed her.. damned her.. beseeched her to leave me alone... She just looked at me knowingly.. aware that deep down inside I m grateful for her presence, no matter how I deny it…And down the time line.. reluctantly or not.. differences sorted out themselves.. I accepted her.. bonded with her.. confided in her.. and cherished her as the best of friends.....

I am jerked out of my reverie abruptly.. Someone's knocking at the door.. I glance at her.. and her lips contain the faintest trace of smile.. expressing all that words ever could and more.. saying... ' I'll be waiting.. Right here..'
I walk up to the door.. I know.. She'll stay.. Be there when i return back..Whenever i return back.. My best friend.. my Loneliness..

‘Change’… The inevitable calling

2006-07-04T14:13:00.004+05:30

It’s simply Evolution.. Darwinism.. Survival of the fittest..

Whether willingly or reluctantly or merely unknowingly.. People, Places, Stances,Vista(s)... Every entity around us becomes a part of this Metamorphosis.. a player in this never ending game.. What generally makes the matters worse is that one doesn’t even realise its presence..until it's all around.. Tempestuously sweeping him alongwith…!

What initially seem as innocent clouds at a distance.. Suddenly blow up into full-fledged thunderstorm…The dark rain splashing all around you.. Soaking you to skin.. Drenching you..body and soul……
& while you remain busy stomping in the puddles, enthralled by the ripples created ... It starts to wash away.. every semblance to the world you formed around urself... severing your ties.. dissolving away facades.. disintegrating walls…..
The water rises.. flooding the empty spaces.. swirling and churning and revealing gaps where none existed before….
Its a hurried bid to catch up with everthing.. before its too late.. but wait..you don’t even know what way to take.. ‘Yeah..’ you recall...‘The only way out is through’.... And you allow yourself to be swept away too in the transformation that’s sweeping the world around you..

The clouds clear away… The freshly bathed Earth sparkles and shines.. all layers of filth & grime washed away… Alongwith it all visible signs that you marked with your fingers on its surface over the ages…
And all of a sudden you find urself.. standing in a realm that is so alien to you… It's no longer your ground.. It's just no longer yours…..

‘It’s a brand new day..’ you feebly remind urself.. forcing a smile.. being vaguely aware that the good ol’ days r not to return… and with a heart heavy as lead..you whisper one last word to the past........

‘Adieus....’

.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

in luv wid life.. :)

2006-06-22T15:40:00.000+05:30

Quite some time since i came here last..

Was caught in midst of a whirlwind..Had no time to think.. let alone write... days started and ended before i could even grasp the reality of a single second..

Not a long time back.. i thought i had seen most of what was there to see.. in terms of people.. their attitudes.. their idiosyncracies.. until LIFE happened...!
And i m glad it went that ways.. leading me on alongwith.. nudging me.. pushing me.. to lift off the veil hiding the reality.. and knw what? when u lift it, u realise how frail it is? how transparent... how obvious.. & the comprehension drives u crazy coz u hadnt noticed it beforehand..

Now life has happened again.. in an entirely different way.. Living with others in such close proximity makes u, consciously or unconsciously, notice people again.. People whom i had known for years...seem so different..the nearness bringing out all the facets that the distance hid so well.. (and to think i thought i knew them inside out!).... Drawing me closer to some.. repelling me apart from others..And in the roller-coster ride between jubilation and disappointment it has helped me evolve as a person.. Broadening my strata's..Enriching my memories.. And forcing me to learn to accept all..

Am glad of these times.. am glad i met u all.. and i m thankful to u life..! These days have brought to me some of the most interesting memories i'll ever have.. :)
God bless..

(am in the lab and server may go down any second.. just posting this before it actually fails!)

Some quest..

2006-06-07T20:25:00.000+05:30

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Its not the quest for a destination.. I m not even conscious of the outcome.. It's just the journey.. the journey that’s all worth the pain.. it’s the journey that’s all consuming..

Journey with its pitfalls.. troughs.. alleys and highways.. Different routes, different scenario’s.. different multitudes.. All becoming a part of the same incessant process..
The journey that brings anguish, hurt, smiles and laughters.. All intertwined..All inseparable.. So much so that one cannot fathom the existence of other without another..
It’s the journey that builds and destroys the entity within… that leaves lasting footprints on the soul.. that builds the pathways of life thereafter on which the man treads long after the voyage itself is over..

Don’t question me on the Purpose.. the Motive.. the Goal.. that’s something I am myself unaware of.. and I don’t intend to speculate either.. coz I enjoy the bliss of it being unnamed...

Just Let me flow… With the current or Against.. Let me enjoy the scene.. however Revolting or Enticing it might be.. Let me drown.. Let me survive.. Let me fall.. Let me get up.. Let me be.. Just let me be..!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A thought...

2006-06-04T13:37:00.000+05:30

Just Me...!!

A hundred faces for the world to see…
A thousand roles to fulfil around…
A million masks to hide behind…
A billion virtues to flaunt…
& a trillion vices to conceal…!

A chaotic extistence in an anarchic world…
Tangled in a web of intricacies….
Amidst the disarray of characters played...
Amongst the popular refrain…
‘Someone to the world and The world to Someone..’
Hell.. I just wanna be Me…!

- Avantika..

Every one in this world.. U.. Me.. The friends around us.. The foes at a distance.. Even some random stranger walking down the street.. Each one of us has been blessed with an elemental persona.. Our Individuality.. Our Distinct streaks..
Yet more often than not.. We end up potraying a different facet to different people that We come across during the course of our day.. Different facades that help in the evolution of ‘I me n myself’ existence in the world…

We feel safer that ways, don’t we.. ? Layers of personalities concealing the one deep within.. & then… At the first sound of footsteps around us.. We go alert.. Lookin around amidst different masks to see which one would befit the occasion.. ‘This one would do.. oh no.. He’s someone not yet ready for that aspect of mine.. May be this one then.. Yeah I guess it should work out.. Hmm yes.. This is lookin perfect…’ turning around just in time.. and sayin.. ‘Ahh.. hello dear.. how are you? Its really been a long time.. !’

Our identities.. Our relations.. Our feelings.. Our sentiments.. Our approaches.. Our stances.. All become a part of the role playing…The character that has been donned to pass the moment..
Yeah sure.. all the world’s a stage…!

Aren’t we all then stopping just a few centimeters short of the clinical disorder of ‘Split-Personality’? It’s just that our different identities are aware of each other.. The patient suffering frm the disorder is innocently oblivious of the different guises that he uses.. He isn’t aware that he’s potraying himself diversely each time.. He doesn’t intend to fool people.. He doesn’t find it victorious to lead people into believing something that he isnt..
Who poses a greater danger to the world then.. Him.. or Us? Who should be treated to preserve sanity… ? Who needs help….??

And nonetheless.. When one tries to break free.. break away from the unreasonable rationalities that tie one down in this world..When one tries to sidestep the intricacies of hypocricy and camouflaged existence… he’s promptly, gladly, mercilessly outcasted.. ‘The Insufferable Fool… Doesn’t know how to behave with people!.. I tell u.. He doesn’t realise the difference between his home n the rest of the world!!…’

And u come face to face .. with the unrelenting truth… .. In order to survive u have to mingle with the masquerading mass… Laugh with them, Sneer with them, Console.. Confide… Confess… Be one with them... Coz not everyone can be a Howard Roark…
Or wait... on second thoughts.. Can't one be...?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vibes... can u feel ‘em..?

2006-06-01T20:41:00.000+05:30

Dictionary defines Vibe as- n: a distinctive emotional atmosphere; sensed intuitively..

Most of us... at some or the other occasion... have come across people whom we instinctively dislike.. for no apparent logical reason.. Or.. on the contrary.. we might develop a strong attraction for someone we r meeting or rather seeing for the first time.. And if the latter happens to be for a person of the opposite sex, the name of ‘crush’ is promptly stamped all over the feeling.. or thanks to Godfather..‘Thunderbolt’!
But the real world word for these feelings is.. Vibes..... a scientific description of them can be derived from the thermal n chemical aura of our bodies.. which is unique in most aspects.. & which cause these undercurrents in the general environment and surroundings of a person…

But how reliable are these vibes.. ?? Some may call these feelings a pure work of fiction of idle mind.. while Some people may swear by its accuracy and precision…

I for one, believe in them.. When I mentioned this bit to a friend recently..his reaction was something on the lines of ..- ‘So u love n hate at the first sight.. eh?'
and all I could do was shrug my shoulders while thinking… ‘Gawd..!! It aint that... but how do I explain!?!’ It’s really difficult to elucidate.. the reasoning.. (or rather the lack of it..).. in trusting vibes.. How do I make someone relate to something that only I could feel..?

And then the trust concerns.. Yeah, I have been through this turmoil too.. ‘Is the repulsion I am feeling genuine? But the person is so correctly polite..? Should I just judge on the basis of some irrational instinct…? Of course not… I should give him a chance at least..’
However more often than not.. (and it’s a lesson learnt the hard way!!) My instincts have proved themselves correct.. Some people with whom I acquainted myself purely on an impulse, struck chords within & are a part of my selected few good friends…
Initially I was a bit ( Infact quite a bit..) reluctant to accept the fact… it contrasting severely with the practicality that I portray.. But with experiences... and experiences... and some more.. I decided to give in..!! ( and its not a very old decision..!)

Some people claim they have never once experienced the phenomenon in their lives.. ‘What are u talkin about.. I never go by instincts in deciding over people that I come across.. I have never felt this.. nor do I believe in them..!’ Must be true if they assert so.. ! But all the same.. undeniably.. they must be trusting or suspecting people that they meet in the course of the day… Isn’t trust then an issue of vibes? And then don't they depend upon this faculty to guide 'em through the day?

Vibes, unlike reasoning, are generally vague..They can’t be classified into Black or White… They, by and large, lie over in the Gray region.. and it’s the shades of gray that are to be analyzed before we can understand what signals are we getting.. a lil towards dark may indicate dislike.. n coldness… & a bit towards a lighter shade ..n we get the impressions of warmth ..n harmony.. n love...

Through the labyrinth of conflicts between the rationale and the intution, the perplexity of the question ‘Should I..? Shouldn’t I..?’ .. is unending.. And ultimately it boils down to a whim of the moment.. Whether we go by the instincts.. or.. we casually brush away the feel.. Here’s a hopin..- whatever way we choose.. It Works For Us.. ! ................Amen!

Sense it...!

2006-05-30T13:50:00.000+05:30

Phew!!… exams over … finally ! :)

Really .. EXAM is the worst four letter word that i have ever come across!
My tryst with them and the story of survival… Well its long.. and that’s another tale for another time..

Hmm.. lost in this tangled network of the World Wide Web..I bumped into these lines..

I'll break stars from sky; Makes no sense…
I'll die for u; Could make u tense…
U are made for me; Worth every pence...
I'll do everything for u; Is a bit immense...
I am crazy for u; Names me nonsense…
If u wanna measure my love; Simply use ur common-sense…!!!

Makes sense.. doesn’t it..?

The phrase common sense is a direct translation from sensus communis.. latin phrase meaning ‘common feelings of humanity’…

Since times immortal homo-sapiens (hey.. for tht matter animals too..) have relied upon this basic instinct to guide themselves through.. to feed themselves.. protect themselves.. to survive in general..

Then somewhere down the line the phrase evolved.. – ‘Common sense aint that Common..’ So what went wrong? When did the people at times bestowed with IQ’s that are 160+ start measuring negative on the scales of this essential instinct that is part n parcel of our daily lives..?

Nevermind the chronological details but Alas! The truth my friend is that very few people around us these days seem to be blessed with this essential sense.. while the people lackin this basic faculty are en’masse..!

And since they are sprinkled so liberally around us... They unceasingly keep crossing our paths a hundred times a day… these are the ones that are the first to spoil a joke.. ‘oh I couldn’t understand..’… ‘umm… do u mind repeating it.. I missed a bit..’ , Those who fall into ‘ been there done that ’ category of being the speaker would agree that there’s nothing worse than having to repeat a joke while trying to make someone see sense through it.. arrrggh!!! And yet.. in all probability these are the people that would understand complex scientific equations in one go.. thus proving that the lack of plain sense has no way hampered their intellectual abilities..

More often than not it’s the people associated with them that suffer infinitely more than what they suffer.. their sheer lack of reasoning in day to day activities drives us up the wall as u rush behind trying to ascertain n straighten up the damage...
The scenario of having to put up with this specie goes undeniably worse if the person concerned happens to be in a position superior to us.. and no matter how your unbearable our heart aches are when we see gaping mistakes in the crucial work and how badly we want to whack them..!! We are left with no other option but to grin and bear it all.. while it takes the utmost will power and the last strand of patience left in us to politely correct the work…
These and many such innumerable accounts of their messed up living in this world dominate most of our daily ordeals..

But still.. no matter how hard we try to disassociate ourselves with them..As long as we r trapped in this world with them (may be they should be exiled to some different planet!).. We are bound to Meet them.. Work with them.. Stay with them.. and gradually... finally it developes into a ‘love ‘em hate ‘em…’ relationship.. We tear our hair out in frustration at their mistakes and yet cant help laughing out aloud at their goof ups…!
So while we are stuck together...here’s to a Peaceful ..Harmonious ...n Less Screwed up.. Co-existence with them… Cheers!

all for a smile :) ........ 'crazy!' u say??

2006-03-18T11:56:00.000+05:30

Hi

Was surfin around in the web world.. and saw these lil quizes.. short and sweet!
Thought i'd share... however irrational or insane, they can be real stressbusters at times, bringing a smile on your face... (brought on mine..)
and all the same...gives u a thing or two to retrospect... what more do u need.. huh?

So no gyan-pravachan this time...here are da links.. with my results..

My weather type... :

http://www.blogthings.com/whattypeofweatherareyouquiz/

You Are Wind

Strong and overpowering. A force to be reckoned with, no one dares cross you. You have the power to change everything around you

You are best known for: your wrath

Your dominant state: commanding

If my life was a movie...:
http://www.blogthings.com/ifyourlifewasamoviewhatgenrewoulditbequiz/

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh.You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum.

Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

I.. a pie??...:
http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofpieareyouquiz/

You Are Apple Pie

You're the perfect combo of comforting and traditional. Those who like you crave security

For fun or curiosity... a laugh or an escapade...blah blah.. what da heck! Whatever be the reason guys.. Go ahead...try 'em..Enjoy..!

cya later...

p.s. - and do lemme know ur results.... :)

Social system..??

2006-03-16T21:33:00.000+05:30

Hi
Yeah am back…

It was holi yesterday… one of those not-so-welcome festivals..! But all the same.. I respect the historical and cultural significance it holds.. And so I wasn’t exactly detesting it..Even though certainly not looking forward to it.
The morning dawned well.. Aroma of all the goodies flooding the house.. Holi songs floating in through the window.. Kids running around in the grounds below.. All in all a good beginning… a happy holi!

Then suddenly one of our neighbors came.. Addressing ma... ‘Bhabhi ji… did u hear………..?’ The person in news was said to be critical so far.. I asked aunty, ‘aise mein holi hogi?’ and she was pretty dismissive… ‘arre beta, ab bacchon ko kaun rok sakta hai’.. Hmm…true enough…fine..

In a not so long while..news came that the guy was no more.. In fact he had died on the spot… I was certain the celebrations would be cancelled… I mean who can celebrate, when in just front of the main lawn, the police had marked off the area of crime and detectives were still collecting clues from the scene…
Barely an hour later a group of aunties knocked at the main door… ‘chalo chalo holi hai bhai’… I glanced at ma..
they r celebrating..?, she herself seemed puzzled.. ‘holi kheli ja rahi hai finally?’ she asked. ‘kyun nahi hogi.. ab indian oil ki baat hoti to shayad nahi hoti.. par ye to call center employee hai koi ..’ was the chorus reply.. followed with ‘tu bhi chal beta.. shagun ki to khel le.. warna aaj kal ke bacche to’ followed with a group giggle…
Uh-Huh..I gave a non-committal smile with a promise of coming soon…

What crap.. the victim’s relatives are still in the colony.. and holi celebrations?? How low can humanity stoop.. so much for the Indian Oil spirit!

Neways I did go down.. apparently for shagun and boy what sight.. 25 feet from me..it was blood all around.. police photographer clicking, people giving statements to press…… and barely 6 feet from them, some guys shouting and running behind each other, splashing color around… and yes, these were his so-called colleagues.. people working in the same call center as him…
Most of the people acted oblivious to the press and police… had a great time.. shouted and danced around in glee… took turns in pouring buckets on each other.. ‘dekha beta..sab hi to masti kar rahe hain..tu hi ek ghar mein thi.. accha hua aagayi.. uske saath wale to shok kar nahi rahe’… yeah right..!

Everyone downstairs was discussing the episode.. gossiping about it.. comments on call-centre culture in general.. ‘kitna bold culture hai.. ab kahin to asar dikhega..’ . Those who were unaware of happening and startled at seeing the police.. were briefed up in seconds..a gasp followed by ‘tch tch..bada bura hua.. haye hume to pata hi nahi chala’… ‘khair.. holi mubarak ho ji.. ji aapko bhi.. ’ and yes, this signified end of all the sympathy for the poor kid.
The only semblance of decency shown by the Indian Oil fraternity was that blaring music that was being played was muted and most of the people sat together quietely in groups instead of running around…
But then actual disappointment came from the peer circle of the deceased.. I guess not more than 5 decided to help his relatives with things.. rest were too anxious to bother lest they miss a bit of the holi excitement..

15 minutes of that and I knew I couldn’t stand it more… I had to leave.. ‘arre abhi to aayi hai..thodi der to ruk..’.. no thank you.. enough shagun for this year.
A guy has been brutally murdered..U all know how he died.. ‘He was shivering on the ground when guard found him.. Taking deep breaths..’ and still u have guts enough to play color few feet away ..Hats off to u people!!In next thousand years I cannot be that courageous..thank you very much..! or should I apologise??

This charade has not only been a charade of our social system.. Of our mindsets.. Of our narrow strata of communities.. but has also made me question every value regarding compassion and amity that I have ever been taught.. Talk of disillusionment ..! If this is what the reality is like.. I m better off without the concept of samaaj.
This dance of mockery by the so called educated, morally-conscious middle class and by people amidst whom i have grown up, has shaken me to depths that I cant even fathom…

I think its obvious that I m sickened to the core… and that is an understatement.....!

Enough for today.. I dont know whether I hav been able to express my fruitless anguish...
I hope next time I come to u.. its not a disgusted outburst… cya..

I m just ssssoooooo happy :)

2006-03-10T23:35:00.000+05:30

‘Happiness is just a state of mind…’
‘A person is never happy but except at the price of some ignorance..’
‘Remember that happiness is a way of travel- not a destination….’

Hey blog..
I m back again.. after a long hiatus I knw..

So where was I all these days?.. not a short answer actually..and I m going to spare u the details.. In this brief span of time.. I have dated a wide range of emotions.. from grief.. to anxiety.. to curiosity.. to bliss.. to exaltation..
Life’s been bitten by some math bug and is hell bent on imitating a sine wave.. highs lows highs lows.. with none of ‘em lasting more than day..a couple of days at max…So whats my current state, u ask? I m overjoyed…i m proud... i m satisfied... and i m thrilled..!!

A while back (during one of those random google searches) I came across these quotations…

A wealth of quotes intended to make us mortals realize that euphoria and dejection go hand in hand..one shouldn’t let happiness get over him…one should always bear in mind the fragility of joy… Blah blah…

Crap! Bullshit! Wtf..! I m happy.. very happy today and I have no qualms letting it sweep me off my feet or..revealing my delight to the world…
Up on cloud no. 9!.. Zenith of ecstasy!..Orgasmic exhilaration!.. no matter how I put it… the feel is that of elation.. of contentment.. of pride.. of beatitude… and I cant thank my heavens enough..!
A dream that’s been nurtured… a goal that has been pursued amidst all odds.. a want that left us breathless & an aspiration that became a part of us.. is finally being materialized.. All our efforts have paid off and how! Oorja team..I thank you and congratulate us all..!

The wheels have started rolling.. and the track’s been made…the fervor bespeaks the genesis of a new era…All hassles withstanding, Let’s hope we herald more such promising dawns in this new age..
Amen!

so much for now blog.. c u soon this time..

a start..

2006-02-12T01:12:00.000+05:30

This blog is dedicated to people who have affected my life in the last few months.. I have admired some while detested the others.. But all in all they have left lasting impressions on my mind, heart and soul…

It’s 5.30 in the morning and still dark and misty outside.. The world around me is in a deep slumber, everyone cozy in the warmth of their blankets and their loved ones. And here I am, wide awake since 3am now sitting at my comp trying to string words together..
The reason for this elusive sleep is probably the elation that’s building within.. an elation that brings with it promises of great accomplishments.. an elation that bespeaks sterling omens.. Something that has freed me from the narrow strata of restrictive growth that I was allowing myself as a consequence of my environment..

The first rays of a brand new morn have hit the horizon.. The bright red disk is stretching its arms sleepily over the sky as the moon bows away its retreat in complete sync… The twinkle of the stars is fading into oblivion as the darkness paves way for the sunshine.. The triumph of dawn induces a new surge of ecstasy in spirit…body n soul surrender before the euphoria that engulfs me..

It’s a new day…a new start .. BA lyrics echo in my heart..
For an eternity (or so it seems now) I was gladly obliging my surroundings, uncomplainingly serving in the fortress without even realising the world continued outside these walls.. World that wouldn’t even come to know of my existence..World that had no time to stop even if I pleaded it to.. World that was moving away fast from my realms..
But here now, I have finally taken my first steps towards reclaiming my life.. With all efforts in place its no longer a suffocated plea of a thwarted being. I am embarking on a new journey.. My road is clear, my destination I am aware of.. Am ready to take on the world & now there’s just no stopping... gud luck to me!

With this I pay homage to all who have contributed their bit n share in making me see a fresh visage of the world. More importantly making me gratefully realise its true worth..
To the old world entrapping me into conventionalities, without which I wud hav never appreciated the value of dissent.. To the people entangling me in proprieties, that made me learn the importance of disruption.. To the system that engulfed every rung of progress tht I put, without which I wud hav never realised my inner strength…
Thanks … Adieus.. !!

god bless..